Thursday, August 25, 2011

25.08.11 Writing: Heaven or Hell?

Today i woke up already with and "anger-possesion" where i would have Backchat in relation to work and parents and the interesting thing was that i was seeing that my "mood" has nothing to do with their actual presence - which i still sometimes connect/blame for my experiances within - so i was actually a bit "dissapointed" that noone was awake so i had to face that it is me allone that is creating the backchat.

I drew a card on the tarot today "the samuraijs pride" which shows basicly trough a story/anectode how ego opens the "Door to Hell" in our minds and the unconcious behaviours and patterns that are accepted and allowed within ourselves

So i applyed attention on this point and i came up rather quickly the first time on my way to the train-station when a being, also on a bike, smiled and i smiled back - i feeled good about that and cycled on. The next being did not smile and i was immediatly had thougths of  "Why did she not smile...I am not good enough or she is an asshole blablabla" So i feeled !!!! not accepted and apreciated - rejected 
At work this point came up "resonating" in my participiation sometimes rather subconciously/supressed (only feeling) but than one trigger fucked me up or set off a lot of memories/thouhgts/connections etc.

I opened a old email off a female and it said that she "have now already swapt the appointment for exam with xyz (other being) " and even if i saw clearly that this is bullshit, on another level i feeled rejected and jealous and not accepted- she values the other being more etc. That was but only the trigger which kicked in the emotions within myself : Selfblame, judgement, anger, regret etc.
I stood as the point of seeing this and not allowing complete possesion - with crying, weeping etc-, but i propably would have if no others would have been present - SHIT as i write it i see/realize that it is the OLD POINT of I WILL NEVER CRY because of a female again that has carved itself deep within myself - What i resist persists - Two memories came up in relation to it while happening: A girl, my neighbour in school, at the age of about 10 or so told me about her "phantasies of torturing men with taking out their guts" which brought up a picture in me of a kind of Hell - in the classic blood-red, lol - where males are tourtured by females also somehow connectd to beauty/attractiveness, the girl was very popular then.
And the other was me really going wild in the woods killing and masacering bushes/plants because a friend did not have time for me, did not want to have me with him ...or his mother?

So the EGO/ANGER/PAIN of (the PERCEPTION of) not being accepted/being rejected opens the the DOOR of HELL within my mind/psyche which contains the whole range of emotional turmoil

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