Saturday, August 20, 2011

Writing 20.08.2011

Its acctually the 21.08.11 by now, but this is quite irrelevant - Is it? Jet another day where i "missed" a chance to transcend a point - Did I? Or did i only not get what i want - Did i want what i believe that i wanted, or did i made i myself believe that i want what "wanted" by thinking? OK, I created confusion/compromise.
"It" started yesterday, as a (female) being/familymember - i did not see for about 3-4year - phoned and said "Hi, we have an attack on you, my man, a (female) friend and me want to go to this event in town - do you want to come with us?" I said spontaniously "Yes". What developed in the mind were two trains of thought: So you can see/face this being and what comes up to in that as there/are a few points of possible comparison/judgement in me like marriage, children etc. and the one which i gave more attention!! - as i SEE NOW - there is one single female being with them, thoughts came up that "they want to set something up/they want to help u"- memory: last relationship - set up by cousin - lolfuck, this is no coincidence etc. that i brought it back and was faced with my desire for basicly Sex/Relationship - that i am still not standing clear with -

So, today i was sawing wood with my dad my Backchat on this point went rampant - This is also pattern/experiance that when i push myself physicaly on some point desires come up - when i percive "it" gets hard and in this moments i can not express myself properly or stop myself as i "have to" go on doing what i am doing. For example: We went on a tour into the mountains and walked for about 6hours and i was feeling drained and exhousted, i looked at the ass of a femal walking in front of me which triggered desire - which i have not allowed to participate in, on this day - and thoughts. This cycled to the point where only "Sex,Sex,Sex..." was on my mind and i was complely possesed by this angry energy, we/i could not simply stop as it started to rain and not properly regulate myself in/as breath - later then i judged myself extensively eperianced Selfhate and applied selfforgiveness halfheartly which let to a strange/supressed experiance when in presence of the being
I have noticed that i also experiance desire for relationship (pictures/thougts of femals often that i defined as "superior") when struggling, with studying for example - a picturepresentation of a female to motivate me - but in this situations i can stop an breath and/or express Selfforgiveness it is also different energy.

Ok, lets continue with i was a bit nervous before they would come to fetch me, as did not know what to expect, and also applied Selfforgiveness on relationship and saw that it is not what it is about and than on the opposite or for fearing relating etc jet i was only covering up myself and perpetuating the mind - SO, in essence i gave my attention and presence "away" to this points of apperant "self-knowledge" of good and bad should and/or should not -Separation- - 
We had some smalltalk and went to the event.

MEMORYS are BITCHES -lol-hrrg-lol-
We talked about childhood - as we kids spent some time together in the family - and we had specific figures to play with - Some may still know HE-MAN (and SHE-RA) oh my god - as she said she had always to play as specific figure, i asked which figure i played and it was Stonedar - who can fold himself into a rock and thereby protect himself - fuck, this hit me or a flash of memorys/moments where i "was cold as a stone/turned into a stone/was fucking stoned"
Then she spotted an female i had a crush for -one of the first- and kind of joked with me about it "ha, do you still know ... your crush from back then..."
The crush/"relationship" developed from: We, a few kids, where chasing around each other in the grass and trying to chatch each other. We would the lay/roll on the ground and each other and i have specific memory of her sitting on top of me - superior - putting grass in my mouth and kissing me. After this i had this crush and for example drive by her house etc.
This is important!! SELF-INVESTIGATEion of his Memory!
To be continued

Thanks for reading

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