Sunday, September 4, 2011

Writing 04092011

Since the last entry here i have not been writing as such, only for the DIP-assignement and the reason is quite clear: I do not want to face myself
I realize how beneficial writing in the evenig and had often thoughts "I should write about this" and this and this ... but did not actually live my words as thoughts: So as the first thing today:

I commit myself to "21 days of Writing" here on the blog to establish stability in self-expression as writing and relationship with self 

One of the points i did/do not want to face is procrastination and especially the assignment, which i wanted to finish till 25.08.-exactly the day i stopped writing- Ok, i had the same or similar point last month and in general with learning/studing: I simply procrastinate work and/or do only what i want/like to do and start with the work i "have to do" late creating tension, feeling of obligation/have to do - this is not beneficial - I then have the "point"/what i have to do constantly on my mind - creating separtion - when i am then applying myself/study, for example in the assignment, i experiance (feelings/emotions) the point of "I have to get this done" which originates from thoughts " I have to get this done by then (date)" whitout application = Backdoor or permission to not participate right now - then (date) seems far away

So i have created a pattern with the DIP where i would do half a month or so "only reading"/taking in = what i like/enjoy and then slowly start practical application first with lots of breaks or only short lenght of time then hurry to "get it done"
This pattern has a lot of disatvantages for example "less time" to integrate and live the realization that comes with practical application and actually i do the opposite of "stopping the mind" in creating unnessecary self- judgment, self-defeat, stress, anger/frustration etc.- that i do not even see ... or I deny -  and then blame my enviroment for. This whole pattern is a POLARITY.     

The correction is to consistantly apply practically myself in whatever it is i want to do - continiously from the BEGINNNG TILL IT IS DONE

Another point that is quite clear - and is connected - is that i blame my enviroment or/and the situation for not being supportive to do this:

My reactions with/in relation to parents (self-allowed) -> creating points "to work on" in the mind to further stuff myself up -> preoccupation
---there i allow really stupid stuff like sitting in the livingroom with them while writing/studing material, which is
     not supportive to self-investigate (TV, Speaking) but think i have to do this to "stopp my reactions in          this situations" thinking if i avoid them if go in another room-> It is simply common sense to learn/study/apply  where it supports me

Working 8 hours or so is "new" in the context of "process" so i noticed justifications like "Yeah, i have to work now and this is the cause", when it is not...- I also applied the same pattern last month!  

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