OLDYEARSEVES

Here now the point of New Years Eve - Silvester... I had a animal, a cuddly toy that i named silvester actually it was named silvester - Silvester the cat - with the small yellow bird Tweety... However, my first... shit, as a child i always "loved" silvester the newyearseve and the cuddly-toy - it was my favourite! lol

It was a very exciting time of the year shortly after christmas and no school for 2 weeks or something. Most of the time i have gotten some cool things for christmas and i am still busy playing with one or another piece, so i can stay at home and play. In the days before i went somewhere to buy fireworks and i was allowed to search and pic some. Throughout the whole day you could already hear scattered crackers being fired and this furthered the tension in me - because it was constantly there but still in the background. In the evening we would most of the time visit a aunt and have a party with Fondue and/or Raclette and basically a majority of the family. So here the adults was drinking and ocasionally one of them would go out with us youngsters to fire a cracker - to feel like a young boy himself.

The fireworks was the most intersting Point and actually its really interesting how much this resembles an Orgasm. Its an orgasmic experiance -lol- that leaves a sulfuric smelling air behind - didn´t they have this in HELL lots of fire and stinky sulfuric AIR - a E-motion-HELL - A HELL created from moving ENERGY-Combustion

However i found the fireworks extremly cool and was then allowed to light some of it - under oversight of my parents more specifically my father...my mother would rather stay in distance and i would only hear "Be aware andi, its dangerous" -lol- my father had also a böller - a salute canon - that was fucking loud and litterally the hair would stand up when it was fired and you stand close to it. I was also allowed to shoot the thing - and how can one describe it? - quite an impression a shockwave that resonates through the whole being as a dull pound, and actually i was fucking scared and petrified - and after that: PRIDE

In the teenjears then "we" found ways to the get ourselves firecracker and other equipment so "we" where not dependent on the "goodwill" of the parents to give us the stuff and also this was then a time of handicraft work because "we" soon realized that we can make "bigger bangs" than what was sold in the shops. In "we" i refer to a few friends and one in particular and we would get very creative in designing such stuff. The first design i can remember was a small "rocket" made of aluminiumfoil and matches...where did i learn this? The TV.

Ok so this was a very busy time for us und we had "a lot of fun" with "10cent-bombs" ( a ten-Pfennig-piece wrapped with loaded paperrolles for toyguns) that you can throw on the bottom and they explode. We made it a game and a ritual to in the mornigs at the train station throw such a thing and than run away. It made quite a noise and I enjoyed it quite a bit to affraight and shock myself and the other beings on the station - I still find it funny as i have this picture of a man going there with his briefcase, slumbering along not thinking any bad ... and than BAMM ... he is awake. Ok its propably not funny, i enjoyed such pranks.

We also played this "games" where we would go somewhere in the wood or the a gravel pit chasing each other and trowing the firecracker at each other, also blowing up specific things like bottles or cans. So, basically we played and prepared for war - like small kittens do only learn to fight and not make it serious yet ok, not quite... quite a belittlement of the situation - and from this perspective it is obviously pretty fucked up...we actually accepted and allowed this whole war-game design within us and feed it with actual energy as emotions and feelings - because the shock when such a cracker explodes near by is a real phyiscal effect and also the thoughts ... i mean "I want to get you - I will blow you up - You cant hide, i will destroy you" - its quite fucked up its like "Level 1-Trainingscamp" for the future Soldiers ... and I enjoyed the rushes, adrenaline and exitement - fighting.
Interessting, as there comes up quite alot of such behavior where we/i created this adrenalin-rushes and "fright and flight" states delibeatly that was actually a whole phase in my life of "doorbellringing" "jumping of somewhere" "going where you are not allowed" "blowing up stuff" ... what can we do ... a lets this prank, jump of there etc. searching for energy - first one creates a fear (i do not believe that you have the heart to do so) than you do have the intense fear and you go and do it and than you have your Ego-satisfaction and that was - interesstingly - based on thoughts like "We/I have fucked with them / We/I have shown him/her/them" = SPITE        
Also it gave me some confidence and "trust" in manipulating the system and other humans because at a age of 12-15 we easily could purchase firecrackers that was allowed for adults >18 only and we could fing a shop that was also selling us actual explosives, which is quite interessting because it gives me as i see now the validation for the self-righteousness and demonic ego-possession i created in relation to my parents from a memory where i have stolen my father gunpowder and than separated myself into "- "so, they have judged me back then and now i can get/buy this stuff here in a shop" and this jusified also the behavior of hiding myself and not facing consequence - because here i/we have found someone who "dont give a fuck"

Wow - we/i discovered the "Black-market" and that there is allways someone to sell you what you want - you just need the "right CONNECTION"

SO to come back to the point - my experiance with New-Years-Eve changed when my primary point of  energy-generation changed to a actual relationship with a female and also here alcohol and partying, going out etc. appears on my screen. Silvester we would spent at some friends houses and drinking massive amounts of alcohol often with people/beings that was major oponents/rivales from my perspective in the "fight for my relationship/partner/girl" and i experianced myself as very inferior and this partys became for me mostly a point to get drunk enough to loosen up and  pose as Ego - i mean we were playing this relationship-games "Yeah i like your boyfriend, he is sweet or The nicest ass has this girlfriend, but this one has the biggest tits, we have done this sexually etc." And than i would be proud and tease my partner make her jealous "So, she really said she would fuck with me, i would like that maybe i should try that..." so that she would "struggle" for me and get in gear to have sex with me - this is interessting because this perspective i have not allowed myself to see that i have also made her struggle for me equally ...i was quite convinced that she has done this to me Ok ... - so this was quite a dishonest and irresponsible Charade of comparison/jealousy/judgement/FEAR - real bullshit the whole time on high voltage but suppressed and transformed with alcohol into a "party" and on 5 min before 12 we would go out and light the fireworks and run around and greet the random other beings "happy new year, prost,prost das de gurgl net verrost" and than for exmple jumping into the bushes of the neighbor one after another, like totally possessed - which would than also create problems for the girl we where partying at...no parents around" - yes fuck this was my first silvester with Girlfriend, alcohol, no adult-police with "not realy but still kind of innocent" 16years BIG FUCKUP... emotionHell.

The point of creating fireworks ourselves stayed as a ego-point and tradition but this partying and meetings on silvester i could not really enjoy and accumulated more spite for this point also in relation to much uncooler the relationship was going and a few years later i had a new years eve where i would only stay at home completly allone drinking champange and smoking pot and there also my spite and superiority in relation to the beings that participate in this bullshit became quite extensive and i was losing the interest in this at all - interesting that here also them major point of energy-relationship had changed ... now i was smoking ganja. There was a phonecall on this evening i was phoning with the Ex and i sayed no i will not come with you in to the city and in this i kind of wanted to prove that i do not any longer allow myself to be abused by her and played with - i feeled quite superior to her she is now participating in this party-bullshit, she has no clue. I wanted to show her that i don´t need her anymore - FUCK UP i am over you - I mean my actual feelings i could not even suppress on that day and underlying was a lonelyness, helplessness inferiority and still the point that i wanted ther back. I made from a IGIVEUP A UFUCKUP - but only for myself. Its kind of hard to remember what have paritcipated in it gives me quite a"block in the solar plexus" ... I have connect the day and the "event" to a Point of "FUCK IT" but again i said this only to myslef "Fuck off on silvester" and the following years will reflect this nicely.

It interessting, i have actually since week or so the whole time since christmas also the perception that my mind is much more active ... i feel depressed and also like these days and all the abuse is imprinted as i have some thoughts of "maybe i should simply fucking get drunken and pull down some fucking liquer" also christmas i mean i was always drunken or druged for the last 10-12 years -lol- that´s actually quite cool that it is not so this time ! ! !

OK, the last four Newyearseven were quite the same: Get fucking drunk, eat with mostly the same friends Raclette, talk shit...like a familiy - a fucked up family - take some E and have the fucking energetic combustion going inside=outside; Basically i did this whole thing always only half-hearted completely dull.
Like, I have to do something and i dont know what to do either = real ZOMBIE-HOOd to wake up somewhere in the mornings - still fucked up and half drunk to grab the next/remaining beer or wahtever to start the day ....bbrrrr

Its fascinating that last year i have created a small bullshit-revival of the original jealousy-fuckit-bullshit:
There was this girl/female that i have accepted and allowed a sexual desire for some time and on the day we meet we flirt a little and i have a phantasie/imagination about doing sexual stuff with her while staying over night at my friend. Next day she comes and visits us again and we get drunk and "have fun" and at some point she asks if i come with her to her place - and here comes also up my bullshit backchat and sexual insecurity...i had already stopped to drink, smoke(ganja) and drugs and now with her i participated in all of that and also with the backchat to get sex but justifing it because she does it ...its because of her...i am the fucked up innocent victim LOL-FUCK that is getting intoxitated by the evil female actually the desire was the whole time in the Back- and we get drunk, smoke and talk and on some point go to bed and sleep.
I mean i found this actually quite enjoyable to sleep and wake up with an other being but the desire was still there somewhere and not honestly talked about and so we repeated this the next day and i stayed with her again but still was like "there should happen something" so no unconditional.

On the silvester than we did the usual drunkdrugritalfood and it was than kind of late about 05:00 and actually wanted her to stay with me again but than an other male phoned and she decided to stay with him - drive over to him and i actually said to her... yeah go you should go and in this simply was not honest - naja i guess it was also to see for me how the hidden secret desires fuck with me - i have acctually not seen this before and in sommer allowed to manifest a whole fucking timeloop to see that i still want to fuck her and allow self-compromise and abuse in this desire.

SO this was the past and this stayes the past - the old ritual to let go of the old jear and make New Years Resolutions i will also let go off because my commitment is to stand up when i fall and align myself as LIFE in the principle of what is best for all everyday A NEW

Justification is HELL

The last week or something i have spent in quite a possession of super-i-ority and Ego a personality of fighting that manifested while visiting my parents over christmas and was partly also based on my lacking self-infestigation of my own history christmans. Here i fucked myself in simply building a perception of myself as what i know is or would be the right thing - it´s a day as every other day / i will not participate in it - and than projected this held on and protected this idea, the changed picture of me, with fighting. The starting-point for this however i can find in the was the realization/facing of the dependency on the relationship to and monetary support from my parents, that created inferiority in me, or more specific the perception of freedom when i get/have the job - I do not have to submit to present a "good son"/I can say/be/do what i want now i am not inferior anymore. Which carries allready the seed of revenge and superiority.

So what i have done than was to base acceptence and allowence of fighting on the event of christmas and instead of really looking at what would come up of feelings and emotions i supressed and seperated myself. The Point here is that i lived exactly the same pattern, because i have defined christmas as fucked and a hypocricy over the years before also...actually i could after the inital profit-phase as a child never like it and "Once a jear we are nice, the rest we keep silent and supressed" so i used this/or a gave my Ego/Mind a real artwork of point to take revenge - in the end again on myself - because i have not written about it beforehand and the point came up, several times, write about christmas write about it ...prepare yourself, and here the point of super-i-ority above myself, my mind/the past comes in ... no i have realized this, it is common sense that christmas is bullshit and I/EGO can stand as this. Dishonesty with myself as the mind and how and what i have created myself in this situations through Memory...would i have looked at/written it most definatily i would have realized that i just reiterated the same pattern/statement with a more advanced justification.

Basically all the Ego-possessions have a tigger-point somewhere in the past - They must because the Ego is energetic past patterns and so when i find any, a single definition of the past that i justify i kick in the mind. JUSTIFICATION makes the Life HELL - and in this is i still a process for me to see and realize what justification really is - Because basically if i find and reason to validate my experiance it is justification. I make up a story of points in time that are only perceptions or ideas, judgements about myself that may or my not be correct and i can place and arrange them as i want = only personality building - bringing oneself through/across somehow ... across is cool because it is really a "cross" to justify onself - i crucify myself as life in the moment to emerge as a personality that i want to bring as a-cross ... a sacrifice - I justify myself to be validated to be accepted to be let in...lol some cool points came up within the visit.

Be let in as the actual be let in, because when i had smoked or stayed out late i had to justifiy this when coming home and to get beyond the "human-checkpoint" of the parent where one is rewiewd:

Where have you been its late. I want to HEAR no/a good exuse?

What do you LOOK like?

What is this SMELL?

Here i learned to tell stories and justify myself also because i exactly knew (PERCEPTION) what the Checkpoint whats to hear to let me pass without further investigation - basically i lied or told half-truth often because i had done something from which i percived/believed-knewfrompast that it will not be cool/accepted and approved by the parents.

However this is not the point of what i wanted to write as NEWYEARSEVE

Gettingajob

.Ok, wiriting out the last few days. I am sitting in the saloon in the house of my parents and have some coffe and sesambars with me. About 3 weeks or so ago i realized that fuck i am realy basically completly dependent on the parents and than decided to apply for a job to get some money and with this stop the support of my parents and rather live of some money that i have accumulated for the next few months. First i was like hesitant and "will this work out" "uhh, i can still get all the good money so i can save it" but bascially i became aware of what that fuck the fucked up backchat consist of: Within me and also within the parents - i mean i did not want to see it so clear and basically made some half-hearted attempts to get a job, but i was in this fucking enslaved to the parents throught the money and this religious shit fucks me really like for them its like a validation that  god exists and their prayer work because i "seem to be on the right track" now - and i have accepted and allowed to play this role within this to get the money like pretended to be who i am not, presented Personality in fear of survival, it is quite fucked up i had often this thoughts and self-judgements before like i am their parasite, i am sucking their money of and actually i have been - i am part of their Ego - and they are part of my Ego


So what egomanifestation and bullshit-support for the mind i have actually allowed with relaing on their support for so long - me as the begger/slave/inferior them as the master/superior and then also the backchat in the oppsite direction- is quite fucked up an eventually was the point - after looking selfhonestly - also a comment on youtube to a vlog that i realized that i have to stand on my own feet.

Taking action and walking the point of getting the job was then a liberating and cool experiance as this was actually the first time that i would direct myself to do get a job from the startin-point of the realization of self-responsebility so i realized its for me as and i want to work for me to stand as myself on my own two feet. Also there is the point that i in this so to speak put some pressure on myself because i know i can do more than i do and this work for money is firstly a point that is nessecary - i have to do this - and also a point of doing something practical like not only study and computerstuff - also the point of being in the system/other beings and accepting it - i see will help me with some points and general humbleness, practical walking -
Normally i would always judge the people that apply this separationbars on the checkout of the shop as being somewhat adapted to the system, on the day i signed the work-contract i applyed such a fucked up bar myself and smiled with it
In this whole process was interessting to see how i have change my whole perception of the shop and also the beings taht work their because "after all i work there soon" like looking at things i would normally run past completely blind or greeting the being talking to them its immedialty a different, a more personal contact relationship - and whats if facilitated by: MONEY
I mean we are only nice to each other because we know we will work together and to make this work because its improtant for us to have and get money - Also i have realized in this how my attention and perception is influenced by the simply fact that i will get money from this shop now, it was like suddenly this piece of the world/existence is my reponsebility i have the care for it/what is going on here - thus i give attention.
Obviously also the point that i have created the expectation to work there and in this connected this to an emotional experiance of it is important and because it will allow me to cancel the support of the parents

So, attention - i realize that i am still and again participate in and as a personality to get money - a money-personality

Change

Today a quite significant point opened up is basically THE POINT – The point of Change.

I have always conditioned change and created the believe that I need something or someone to change for or because of …what also ties in with this is the polarity of punishment and reward, so I would always only change myself if get some feedback from outside actually its not relevant if negative or positive – with punishment I would manipulate myself through fear and pain and with reward with desire and enjoyable experience … always moving in and as a system.

I reacted very strongly to my last Vlog with the “Porn and Free-Choice” because I realized with support of the Video-interview of Lilly/Lindsay “Facing Blankness in Speaking” that I have separated myself from myself and my experience with porn and sex in a vlog that I did prior to this and that came out with lots of blank-states and pauses where I looked quite desperately stupid into the camera and did not “know” what to say – actually I was generalizing and not speaking as myself I wanted to get around the fact that this was my experience and story – the topic did not “leave me alone” –lol- and so I had the Idea to simply speak about “Porn and Free-Choice” what in essence than was the opportunity to separate myself from my personal experience completely and speak like I am done with this and above of it …its interesting that in my words all was revealed and if one swap “you” against myself “me/myself” one gets the picture pretty well – Politics, Hypocrisy lack of self-acceptance and within this I would than also fuck myself with falling on masturbation … but actually this was also then the point of seeing and realizing what I have said and how this was a façade to hide behind. I actually was at the same point before with a topic of the Cove and the dolphin massacre where I also made a vlog and on the next day couldn’t stand my own hypocrisy/politic and attempt to manipulate and separate myself from the topic and my participation in it…and deleted it – but here is the POINT …

I deleted it because I found it to be manipulative in relation to others and that I would influence them in a fucked up way, with strong words or with the porn like make them feel guilty/bad but actually it was my self – I am my own JUDGE in this and actually it is me that gets the Punishment as suppression, to come back to the polarity that is applied in my mind-fuck or the reward as a energetic high and enjoyment when others would leave a comment or somebody “cares”

And here I became aware of the really interesting point as I realized that “Hey only 8 people have watched it, but I am thinking about that it is wrong/false to present this Ego-presentation that might possible now influence them and fuck up THEIR lives and make THEM feel guilty” – So I would define the responsibility for me to change my ways or the Ego to Self-honesty in THEM and THEY only exist in my mind as a Idea – I would change for others … but this others only exist within my mind as a projection for me to change for – So in a way I have separated myself from myself into an idea of an Audience that I can project my own expectations, judgements onto – Like thoughts of “When being xy now sees this they are surely disappointed or they would want you to change” Also there was a sentence of Bernard that “hit me” or resonated like “Desteni do not offer Change but Self-change with support … Why the fuck don’t you change? Do it now!!!!!”- - I suggest to myself to hear and work with the words of Bernard that “hit home/resonate”…it is most defiantly something vital, even if it takes a few days -– So all this expectations to CHANGE that I project is ME

I mean I created a system where I project my own expectation, Judgment onto separated Ideas/entities in my own mind to create a tension/friction to then apparently change and move but what I do is only to shape and condition and conform myself a little bit more/different to present a personality that fits “more” the picture/Idea that I have of what the audience would judge me for and expect of me as what is Self-honesty and a cool useful/supportive/enjoyable/likable contribution – yeah likeable because I want to somehow still lure in a female and have sex … no everybody should like ahhh love me…yeah and for that I want to change that’s a good REWARD –LOL- I am quite a fucker lol -  and what is this Idea based on: On the contribution of others and what I have seen as change …so I try to form myself through a mind-system into a concoction of all that what I have seen and valued in others as cool, meaningful and whatever …so, this will not happen!

I mean from a perspective this is probably a “normal” phase of the process because I am/we are mind-systems and function in and trough certain pictures, desires, projections etc. but when I realize and see that I have made it all up in my mind it was my own expectations and desires to change I have only placed the responsibility therefore in/on others – I have to realize that it is a point of self-worth and self-acceptance to take self-responsibility for myself to stand as that point of Self: Change and express myself as Change because after all

I AM MY STARTINGPOINT

I AM MY ORIGIN

I AM MY SOURCE

I AM the REASON to CHANGE

I AM the CAUSE for CHANGE

and the system of projecting my point/reason of change separate in and Idea/entity in my mind is founded in –generally speaking- the relationship-construct. How and why can I change for another? not at all…when “I change for you” I want something back the old slavery-game or “I will change for her/the relationship” …I have fucked myself with this for good, a few times -lol- therefore its so automatic/ingrained. When I accept myself as my own Starting-point and reason I can move as self beyond the polarity and systematic behaviour-control of punishment/reward as I direct in I see, realize and understand that moving or changing for anyone or anything separate from myself is self-deception and self-manipulation and not accepting myself as life as One as Equal – and this is not acceptable … it is simply a lie a believe in my mind

It is really astonishing how much shit …bullshit I have accepted and allowed myself to create and how much I participate in it just to not take self-responsibility – how it is really only possible in the mind because I am responsible all-ways. This point was floating around quite some time now in this process and actually my buddy brought the point of change some time ago and also with the starting of the DIP was this point present…Like now I am participating in the Course this will surly change me. It’s myself, IT HAS TO BE MYSELF!

    

Have a Look at:
Desteni Website
Equal Money System Website
EQAFE Store

Train on the track

A point opened just up with looking at me whole situation with studying and what I do - and in this the power of the program: DNA as what I do now is very mechanic stuff, and I resisted this whole life. What did/does my father work as? Mechanic... he repairs machines ...so I just don’t wanted to be like him that is a shitty job - I connected it to less than, anger and ... my father. The interesting point is that as I firstly started to study I studied mechanical stuff then wanted to escape - from at home, the system - fuck myself as my DNA and did this in an act of Anger, Resentment and blame against my father and in this manifested myself as a constant Ego-battle-fighting against myself as the System/Mechanic/DNA of my programmed self. So I learned to be a chemist than drifted again a time around in complete Ego-pretense and "Lostness" apparently somewhere outside and fucking higher than the system ... till I had an accident and broke my left knee so I started to study again, now something that I have apparently "chosen myself" - wow what the fuck - according to my liking, when I now see it was a childhood-dream that I followed and that was the trigger. In this time I also constantly dreamed of "trains and Stations" every night I was traveling on trains somewhere - I found that cool, wow I am moving when actually I was shifted around ... I also had this dreams of sliding and floating above the floor like on rollers-skates - above the ground ...My ALTER-EGO floating around in pretense fuck

All the Time I think I study this "environmental engineering" because I like animals and nature, ok when I am honest I have never known why I study this ...I was not passionate and giving myself into the stuff, even the things I was interested in ... I was always criticizing and judging all the points/subjects/persons because I was always fighting against myself in the attempt to get away from and prove that I am more/better/higher than my DNA -my program/father-matrix creating me as Über-Ego ---- fuck ----

SO, slowly i start to get a glimpse of what this resonances/symbols are...but this thought is also a attempt/statement to make me believe that I have somehow "control" a attempt to separate myself - Fact is that this program/my mind fucking drove me like a TRAIN ON THE TRACK to FACE myself as what i have resisted/judged and this is my consequence for not accepting and embracing myself "in time/back then"

AS THE MECHANIK/PREPROGRAMMED SELF THAT I AM and the Context I find myself in.

I cannot escape and get away from myself - and I cannot blame myself!

Looking back the rejection of and blame for the system has caused me to abuse myself extensively and lots of problems and i have to be aware to not blame and judge myself and/or give into shame and regret - Self-Victimization- it is for me to stand up, change in accepting me here where I am...in trying to separate myself from the context of my family in anger/fighting I was really only giving my/the power of self-direction and Self-responsibility away to the mind in/as ways that I cannot even see ...Wow...

Ego is like in "Dune" where he surfs the gigantic Sandworm - but without any control or clue what is really going on LoL not so cool and sovereign as depicted...lol Fuck quite extensive Brainwashing 

What tha Fuck, all this people moving/shifting/floating around on and along these invisible tracks in separation...shit...what does a train need to move: Energy. OK, i stop rambling on. Its quite strange to realize that i was all along actually just buzzing along some sub/unconsciousness paths - the cool thing is that i am still here!

Studying 1

Today i was experiancing quite a possession of blame towards studying and my professor and and the diplomwork in general to the extent where i sit at the computer and do my messurements and have constant Backchat and get actually really angry and i want to express spite/backchat towards other beings.
I am resisting self-responsibility, its this point that i have blamed others or put others in the position to be the reason why i do something - and with made everything a obligation and basically a fight i mean its really stupid and i "feel" stupid, which is another hiding-point i am not stupid, i can not even say that i do not know waht is up.

i experiance myslef like i live out my relationship with my father again and that has to stop - i have to stop i want to resist writing and i have not written this out


i forgive myslef taht i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that i live out my relationship with my father againd i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing and self-forgiveness in relation to this to continue with my limitation  and blame

My first impression with meeting the prof was that he had a black mercedes and a suit on so money and status, i was kind of lost or late on this day i still know that on this day in the mornings i drawn the osho card ego and also cried in the mornings or the day before and that the females that were also present kind of cared for me in phoneing to see if i can go with someone in the car,  what was very out of the norm i was kind of open on this day. so after all i went with him and in the car and we talked so he asked what i want to do and i said that i dont know because the system is fucked and i want to do something responsible and that the thing that i know is that i am responsible for my actions and for what comes from it so i dont want ot go in the system because it is fucked and he asked if i want to say that one can not be responsible (good/bad) or that it is basicaly shit and i realized that the point is not sustainable and that this is not the case. than i went on with saying that i don´t want to make career and he said something of his life. I percieved it as he has been offended and took this personally - and the interessting point is that i could already have been so. Actually before getting into the car i dont wanted to drive with him inferiority/judgemet-mercedes-career-Professor/superiority so my Ego-application was rather "against the system/the system and its representants are evil and bad" SO baically i wanted to attack him on some level or have done it with this subconscious judgement of Career and my "negative" value-charge on the word - So here the fighting started (with this being and a certain persp) already

Perfectionism vs. Self-Perfection

At the moment I am painting a wall that is not quite in the best condition...a water-spill from a broken pipe in it, so all the old paint is coming down in large pieces -lol- revealing lots of black patches of nasty looking fungus-colonies ... after scratching off the old paint I go over it with new one which causes the old to brake down further.

It sticks to the painting roll and eventually ends up on the wall again - HHHRRRGGG

My experience towards this was than to go into a state of  "Urghh this is all bullshit, it can not be sufficiently fixed" with emotion of frustration and resentment which was based on the idea and knowledge of "how it should be sufficiently fixed" and here is the interesting point: 

To sufficiently fix it, to get all the fungus out - I would have to destroy the wall and build it anew and then paint it than I would have a "perfect" wall - which is obviously not possible considering the context of myself and my environment, so this Idea of Perfection I will not be able to fulfil

Often I have used such points than as justifications to give up on something - oh yeah "if I can not have my idea than it has no SENSE at all" I sense my idea I give sense to my idea... I see sense in an Idea of me, I give sense to an Idea of me because I believe that I will profit from this idea Energy/Sex/Money - including myself...foremost myself ...So perfectionism is wanting to make real a idea of myself to profit through the ultimate perfect experience Energy/Money/Sex/Status/Recognition whatever and in this is the ultimate disappointment-point LOL disappointment-point to then give up completely – Self-sabotage!

So i will not be able to tear down this wall - and it would also not be practical with the winter around the corner - what I can do is to stop my experience of a constant nagging feeling of imperfection towards the situation and context I am living in common-sense -instead of MY sense for my IDEA- and thus bring the wall in an state that it poses no health-risk and than go on perfecting another part of my-self as my floor, that needs also physical care, in mopping it.  

Exam-Eperiance

Coming out of a exam and it has worked quite well, i asume. So beforehand i faced some minor fears and according to my pattern of past participation, also preprogammed in the last days/yesterday through thoughs as "Before the exam i will read this info to have it all complete or at least read about it once", i wanted to read the said info. Again this make-believe point as what i did was:

I had 2,5 hours in the morning and could have read it then, but acctually i am aware that i will do "ok-well" in the exam. I went in the uni about 1,25 hours prior the appointment and actually was aware that i have it at 11:00 but "i am not quite sure/what if i miss" so i want to be in Uni before the appointment of the group before me
- Which is bullshit: If i know that i have at ceartain time or place or whatever to do something that i am certain - or i am not certain. SO a point for me to really consider is the actual practical points/cornerstones of a event and make certain that my information on this points is correct, i have done this and am certain, yet i do not trust myself and want to be even more certain...its like with the mind, desires or addictions where i go into the cenarios again just to prove again and be more cerain that it is bullshit ...so it is definately a self manipulation and sabotage -

I go to the uni and think that than i will "use the waiting time to read this info". When i arrive i first go to the PC and check my email and simply sit there reading a blog and looking at the link a destonian posted about "China would defend Iran in world war 3"
-Which brings me back to what is here and i think shit i was fast asleep...really this stuff is no joke...they are death-serious with this ...This is hard to comprehend in my fairytale-mindset...they are actually talking about considering to do all the Bullshit again - and again - and again -and again -

so i do stuff at the computer till half an hour before the exam and than i go to meet before the room with the other beings, that will be examined parallel -its a group exam in spoken word-, and am actually aware that "here i was before", now they will be very excited and nervously talking as always before this exams ". I just want to read this info" and sit me on an other table, i mean its their way of coping with the situation ...to express the fear masked as talking/laughting, mine is to hide it and pretend to read and learn...lol

One of the beings speaks to me and ask me and i go over to sit with them - asking myself if this is good because i fear that they will also make me nervous and "I want to read this info" and i actually do so - needless to say completely ineffective ... i could remember about 3-4 words/points - interessting also that i don´t want to talk to them as they talk about the exam projections  "What can be asked/What have the others been asked/What about this and that etc." and a point in this is that if they bring up points/pharses/topics that i do not know so specific/detailed or at all i fear --My make-believe knowledge is destroyed or has "week-points" --

Its interessting because the other beings like try to fill their gaps and get rid of the fear/uncertainty through communication with each other, one said "maybe u can help me by answering my question if i do not know"
and through expressions make them selves believe that "it will be ok" - I try to make myself believe that i I know everything relevant by pretending to learn in the last moment

Obviously this "learning" today, or rather the thought "That i should/will read this also", had no effect on my actual understanding of the topic or even the outcome of exam, maybe, and was a waste of time or energy - as i used the energy to create a mindpossesion of personality that has its roots in the BELIEVE that:

I just have to be certain in my make-believe than they will buy the lie

The point beyond it is that i want to be able to just speak and communicate with a being in the moment as what and who i am and the other is - looking at a problem or point and investigate it ... This is cool and valid but again in our current system it is not so and also i have to be honest with myself in seeing that i can only communicate and speak with someone about a topic - which is i appling to the examsituation - if i have properly investigated it beforehand and not just learned by heart...and i simply have to be realistic with the points in my reality and see what they represent and accept this for the moment in practicality.

In the exam itself i had kind of a fear because it was about the topic of Coporate Social Responiblity (in Environmental-Management)  and i wrote the work half a year back and was presenting quite a account of  system-critic and basicly discarding this whole construct as useless (lots of underlying anger, i read the hitler-writings back than...lol")  "as long as the econonomic and monetary system stays the way it is" - interessting as back then i have already created this fear from a dishonesty as thoughts of "Maybe i have an influence on the Prof" and "What will he think, i basically attack him as a Manager in the current system" ... so a interessting point as today i experiance of "slowing down" in the being examed by this being and basically speaking from my reseach on the topic. I percieved it as a "conflict of sorts", jet when i look closer "I have only believed and defined that our perspectives and points are different" and also interpreted it than this way - I mean he has a different position in the system but that does not mean that he or his perspective is good/bad, even the "perspective" is/was my "interpretation of his perspective" according to my judgements ...lol so basically it was a point of facing my own judgement make-believe.

With the other being was also a interesting situation: I brought up topic that lay way back where i feeled quite inferior and we where visiting a factory. He than asked further on the topic and i had to go back to find the memory and what i realized is that the same energy was triggered and i was participating in inferiority like really snapping into the past (also here the point of gernerally judging/rejecting/not trusting/spiting Teachers/Professors or such and in this actually validting their existence in my mind)- Ok, interesting as i have created/brought up this topic myself i basically did this to face this point of memory...yet not aware so my mind tryes to control me through memory...why...to go into infeariority into fear...fuck u mind u are an asshole!

After the exam i had this experiance of now i can rest and i let myself do so by watching a few vlogs and reading a blog ... but also this experiance was self-created through thinking "I really would want to watch a film after the exam - i have deserved it"

Manifested Self-Slavery as re-warding me for "working hard" for the system=EGO as the "hard work" was all make-believe ...OK, lol - fuck

Under-stand me!

Some points with regards to "Understanding":

"They don´t understand"

"I want you to understand me"

"I want you to under-stand me" = You shall stand under me = You are less than me

"You should under-stand this knowledge"

"You should under-stand my knowledge" = You should stand under my knowledge/me = You are less than me as my knowledge/me  -> i am less than my knowledge

My knowledge is right = in the mind= I am right

Desire for Understanding: Self-Righteousness

COMOM-SENSE = Speaks for Self - EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS

Confessions of a Vampire

A point came up while i was in the shop buying stuff. I was feeling quite good and as i was paying i noticed judgement in relation to the cashier "She looks really drained, liveless,old - She is unhappy" and went on to the bäcker. There i observed the behavior of the beings and like stood back and simply watched what the personalitys play out - the smiles etc. Then it was my turn and i thought "now she is smiling at me, so that i smile back to satisfiy the point and she gets her energetic fix - the living vampirism that we are..."

So i went out and looked again at the situation to see that i have already feed of the situation while standing and watching - as i had also some movement of energetic experianc, like ha this human show....superiority-
and with seeing that i was also the vampire in this situation one major point of dishonesty in myself came up.

Ten or so jears back i had this phase of ...actually this vampirism-theme was here from childhood on, where i saw my parents as vampires, so ten jears back ...i experianced it for a few weeks so that i knew exactly what another being wants from me - one could also say i could see or read the desire or the agenda basically seenig the mind, seeing that it is only about what we want from each other to keept the own world existing ...Ah fuck i guess you know what i mean, simply facing the truth of human relationship
I firstly saw this demonic and addictive nature and behaviors in others and kind of only watched it, like i had lost my Ego for this time, or lost the protection/filter of the mind, it was quite a horror-trip for two weeks but as time passed on i started to realize that "Hey wait i do exactly the same - I want, I desire, I want to control and possess - GREED-is the word here " and this was the point that i could not stand. That i am the demon that i am the EGO that i am the Vampire. So i tryed to get away run away and hide ------FUCK i do this since childhood---- to separate myself from the bad fucked world and judge it. Yes-the accepted world of Consciouseness is HELL but i have created it - getting all emotion-HELL in the fear of Loss - fear of losing my nice and moral Image of myself - just not to see that i am the greedy bastard that i fear in others.

This is the point that could not accept in myself that i am the Vampire that feed of the life of others, that i am the greedy parasite that houses in the phsical- I have become that which i jugded the adultes as - and as i could never accept and embrace the point within me i resorted to judgement and eventually hate
To hate the world - to hate myself because i could not love because i am evil - not realizing that there exists no love in this world amongst humans...or realizing it but i want to be the one who loves - but i wasn´t was am just the same greedy fucker as everybody else - a loveless manipulative addict for the life in other beings

So fuck in a way i created myself to the "Über-Vampire" because to see myself as the one who truly loves and cares i had to create all this judgements about others that i feed of - A love Vampire, how fucked is that?

The point that is important for me here now is that i accept myself and embrace myself completely as all my evil and Ego-perceptions as Darkness - because this is the point why i always show the white feather - in german den Schwanz einziehen - when i am faced with abuse/greed/ego, because i have not embraced it within myself but only judged it.

If i can not embrace and accept something within me how can i change it, how can i face it in others and stand as myself - Not at all - I will always fall because my stability is based on a fake, deceptive believe of Love which is nothing more than a desire to fuck myself in various ways in disguise of a beautiful feeling

Also here to make it clear: what i feed of as this vampiring, parasitic Ego-manifestaton is the judgement -so its basically fear - the judgement that another is less than me...it´s a good victim...less in any way, today for example the female was " drained, liveless,old " so this gives me energy to my system, because actually i fear to be or get "drained, liveless,old" but now i am not so i am more than that - Existing in this way as the EGO i profit from the disease that we as humanity have collectively become as i can and do use every fucked up Manifestation to jugde and make myself believe that i am more than and or separate, because i can also judge something as more than myself and than i am less - but i will find a way to twist the fuck out of the situation and make myself more again - No Problem - and say and believe that more is less or less is more
I will fight and crawl around just to not face the inevitable Lostness and doom of EGO as Energy because it was never real, constant here - programmed to die from the beginning - The fucking nature of EGO is FIGHT for SURVIVAL and its already LOST

Shit! and so we go on projecting our LOSTness of FIGHTing for survival into and as this world and manifest a place that is a battlefield - Battlefield Earth - Not Battlestar Galaktika, Not Star Wars - Its right fucking here, right fucking now and we fight against no thing else than LIFE = the earth, the animals, plants, each other...Shit, people we have to stop - I STOP!
We will stop or we will be stopped - Death stops Ego - EGO can not stand LIFE.
What the fuck, what do we believe to be? LIFE
Fighting against LIFE...and than we win against LIFE? and the winner is EGO? LOL - We are ultra stupid and ultra possessed - programmed ...but that is no excuse!

SO, the only thing that actually feeds the Ego, that Ego exists as is fear of death = fear of loss as the judgements exist as fear - I hide fear ...fear of myself . STOP Till here and no further I will no longer allow myself to judge and deny or hide Fear, Ego, Desire, Greed and shove it back and blame others!

I embrace myself as of Self that i have jugded within myself and never wanted to see or realize within me, i embrace all the lost parts of myself that i have allowed myself to hate and beLIEved that i just cannot accept.

I realize Ego as me and stand Equal with myself as whatever comes up - I face myself forgive myself and basicaly i can allow myself to make this fun and just laught about my self as fear - If i believe that something of myself is so unaccepable that i can not laugh about it, the stupidety of trying to win a lost fight, i have Problem - a Ego-problem

Selfforgiveness and Selfhonesty allow myself to see, realize and solve -face- ego-problems for and as what they are: Energy sucking parasites in the FLESH as the true self as MYSELF as YOURSELF = OURSELF as ONESELF

Politics and Manipulation

So, one point that comes up in sligthly different form is still this point of the desire of directing others and having a influence or simply controling the situation, and it sucks. I have this in relation to friends for example where i go into thougths about how and what i can explain to them about desteni or Equal Money even before i visit them and then i view everything that is said through this and always or often have the desire to bring the topic up but do it not actually, but try to manipulate the conversations or simply have back-chat.

Then there is still the point of me being or percieving myself as rude or i dont know how to have a proper conversation, so that we could discuss things - Its like someone says something i don´t agree, or see is not real and then attack or speak up against but in a way that the point is like finished and we sit in silence and there are many points that i do not agree with, it is not valid and acceptable end in the converations in this plae where i have the last say, it has no value, no effect because the others will not realize something themselves i have forced my understanding - only to ... ja fuck why do i do that, it is more a protection, i still fight - Its the same old system-point to use knowledge to make myself more than others to define myself as someone and hide behind "making the world better"
Naja, here is the point to see when i am before i meet with someone already participate in thoughts about what to say i am fucking myself - I want to control myself, because i am fucking afraid actually so my desire is to have control, of what? It is kind of rooted in ... myslef ... as used always used knowledge to control self and my world and in this separated myself and palced myself as more than through this.

Also in the last time there is often the realization "Fuck the world is really really really fucked up!" and i kind of start to realize the actual responsiblity that one has and first feeled the push and urge to "do much" also facilitated through the chats on PF and translating and some of the things bernard said and also how dedicated the participants are - reacted with guilt/inferiority and was motivated by this on the other had i feeled "important" and allowed ego and also the desire to "get people" - which is a point that is existent withing all this manipulation-manifestation of  myself, to get them to change their ways and the system within them to not have to change myself so that i can lean back and direct/manipulate - I watched than the cove and "wanted to do a vlog" in german so that "the german animal activist consider a real solution" - so here i plan already- but did it not imediatly but procrastinated it a night - Time for myself as the mind -

While directly watching the film i got emotional sometimes, angry/sad and thóught "What the fuck is up with the humans"- Imean i see what is the motive and how it works, but is still reacting, also because its the same whit cows and pigs etc and i eat them and particepate in the same system- so selfblame/hate

Next day i made the vlog and was also beforehad thinking what i want to say at the end.
I started then of with projecting my thought onto all making it "Many humans are surely thinking what the fuck is up with the human" - because in my head i already know the answer and so i made the whole thing seperate from myself and also mit the agenda to "identif with them" or to "get the humans with this thougth"
and this the fuckedupter points who i uses strong words like "killings/slaughterings" then often to speak about this and to them so what i actually do is placing myself as "outside" and create guilt in others to talk into "their consience" because i have ja separated myself in the knowledge or believe of knowledge...in went the on to describe what money is and how equal money system will solve this killings and several others more, an i made a  enumeration of gruelties that will no longer exist - that i have also already created in the mind beforehand...and i touched my throat will spraking so i interpreted this as supporting systems

I had acctually beforehad or while making already thoughts that i particepate in ego that this is "not quite right" but i did not see what. so i uploaded and feeled as if did something good. Today morning i was quite nervous "fucked up" and i draw the tarotcardpolitics and i could not stand by or as this and was rather disgusted for being nd presenting myself as such a "Teacher/Hypocrite/Politic" - simply deceptive so i deleted them - this whole experiance fits in with the "fear of control" that i walk in the DIP and this points of were i want to "get someone" or "what to have an influence on others" i must Flag and stop

There are always the points were i realize that i am not self honest/want to influence others = Do not go there!Not do it again! Stop

Will David Icke still be able to manufacture Conspiracies?

Thats a really good question, as that is how one goes about Conspiracies: One manufactures them, they are man made. In his interviews Icke often talks about his intial experiances and how then suddenly lots of this coincidences happend and a period of time where he was "flooded" with knowlegde - that he keeps now repeating for the last decades. An interessting point, as i find the same within myself as a apparently "absolute certain knowing" that ALL others are fucked, only me seeing the truth thats going on - no, was just projected blame = abdication of self responsibility. And also a good question for the Icke-fans or ufo or conspiracy-theorists to ask would be:
We have a conspiracy of "whom ever" that controls an and manages all to the smalest detail "perfect" to match and fit "their agenda" or "their plan" to stay i control, so why would they allow someone that speaks out against them like Icke or other Conspiracy-theorists if it was of any relevance for "them", if it was posing a threat?
So, either we have no conspiracy with any real power, Icke is some kind of saviour-super-hero like Neo or Jesus, or he - or any conspiracy theorist...ahh terrorist as that is what they are, they are terrorizing common sense within humans and humanity - is part of the conspiracy that´s going on here.

The real CON-spiracy is the human CON-sciousness as being a apparently higher form or being, separate from the rest of existence. Basically all of us participate in this conspiray that the human being accept and allow as themsleves. We conspire against life, nature, the animals, the whole earth as we want to assert our apparenly god-given right to "dominate the beast of and as earth" through our apprently superior ability of thinking and knowlege - finally we only fucked ourselfs, into the realms of spiritualiy, conspiracy and "higher knowledge" completly disregarding the physical reality that is actually suffering wether in the forms of animals, plants, humans whatever is here. Who are the real "aliens" here on planet earth?
Con-spria-cy = Con-spiral-city: We spiral our cons in and as our consciousness and in this manifest the con as our selfes

Obviously we have to realize that and how we are all taking part in this Conspiray agaist Life and we do this in by applying Self honesty to see and face ourselves, Self forgiveness to forgive and stop ourselfes and self corrective application to practically change and not accept the same again - So basically bringing oneself back here from the spiraling con of our minds to and as the physical reality. In an Equal Money System and even before that in the beginning stages the tools of selfforgiveness, selfhonesty and selfcorrection will be part of the reeducation-process that the human will face to understand and realize the principles of "Equality and Oneness" and "What is Best for all life"

If one looks at the principles one can see that a conspiracy is not part of that, as a conspiracy is not Best for ALL LIFE but only for those that run it or profit from it - for example Mister Icke - and Equality and Oneness would imply that if you "see" or "know of" a Conspiracy against something, which is separation, and do nothing to change or stop it but only blame you are part of the the conspiracy through abdicating  your resposeability as a equal living being.

In a system where all life is supported equally how will there be a conspiracy - Look at it, with money being removed the whole motive is removed. Neither will there be a greedy elite that wants to and can rule the world through money and our participation nor will there be a conspiracy-theorist that makes a living by selling manufactured conspiracys. Equal Money will expose and end all conspiracy!

Hollywood in an Equal Money System?

Hollywood - the dreamfactory. A dreamfactory is creating dreams, dreams to keep us asleep, to give us at least "something". If we are not able to live what WE are dreaming of at least want to see others living  aparently magnificent lives and great storys. "I want to be a Star" and in the mind we are experiancing and living with the movie, getting all emotionally involved and caught up in the movie, based on a more or less distinct identification with one or more of the roles or characters. In fact this is form of psychosis, where the contact to the external reality is lost and one is existing in the movie within ones own head - the accepted human condition at the moment...so nothing out of the norm, lol - and as you just go with the flow, you dream the dream that is promoted by Hollywood, so its not even your own dream that keeps you asleep.

The point here is that no one of the "Stars" that make up the "Walk of fame" have been born as these apparenty superior beings, they have been created by money. When you look at Hollywood - what is it: Its a city where the filmindustry has settled and therefore a lot of movies have been produced, the rest is a mindfuck. It´s quite funny and scary at the same time to see these human beings marvel at these Stars on the ground, kneeling down just to touch "their Star" - It´s fucked up - Its empty, there is no one, its just metal and stone shaped into a certain form and thats what will happen to Hollywood too. The whole "fame-game" will stop becaue with the money motive and the support thereof in and from the moneysystem as  a whole the personality-cult around so-called "stars" will cease to exist - At the moment we "love" the Stars because we do not love yourselfs. Equal Money will change this as people will be equally valued and value each other equally as life, so that real appreciation and honor for another as self and the individual self expression can exist.

In an Equal Money System Hollywood will be equalized to its functionallity as a practical place to make movies as the whole infrastructure and possiblities are already available. So, don´t be worried there will be plenty of cool movies - However the content will propably change from "bling, bling" and "bang, bang"
to show and support life-expression in multiple ways and various forms as the narrow confines in terms of buget and "who can be a actor/actress" will not exist.
Hollywood can transform from a dreamfactory to a birthplace and transmitter of living self expression, waking up all that is still sleeping. For more on the current situation read the Equal Money Book

                              

Also the "stars" the only source of light in the dark night that this existence has become for so many are fueled by money so that they can shine - Give Money equally to all so the existence can "lighten up" for all and we can see each other, otherwise we will continue to walk in the dark falling, stumbling and walking over each other following the light of stars that we can never reach.

Check-Out 2

And then the final projection and association-bullshit was that her name means and sounds "ocean" or "sea" so i she is the sea the deep dark water were life comes from and that gives water=life to everything, as i said i "like to associate things/beings" or create methapors
- i was often sitting in the Chemisty class and looking at the compounds and molecules as similar to beings like some connect and form relationships=create an new compound or the maschines that are used to messure "what it is" were the particels are sweept along and through a specific environment and distance its like a race or the "human race" so i kind of trained myself to see such similarity of systems, yet allone in my mind -
 and i had, as i was walking in "the moor", ... i always saw myself as water or a waterbeing...ok this is also bull based on the starsigns mainly, but anyway i did this and in a phase where i was mostly smoking pot, moved out from parents into a flat, literally "5 meters below the city" i would see myself as ...or rather after this after a relationship broke up i would see myself as "a pool in the forest" that lies there in seclusion of the rest of the world and my partner, being a "wind-being" or "the wind", would have put me up in the air and now i am, as i go to study and in "the wide world" again - i am on my way to the ocean - first a small beek, then i get a river and a bigger river and then i flow and end in the endless SEA - i am one with my source and and ÁhHhhhh - so basicly waht i am here saying is the seeking and searching for Smadhi/Nirvana/God on a long way - THE LONG-CON - as Bernard called this preprogammed walking along to find the "Light at the End of the Tunnel" in the brilliant interview "Cure for your Couriosity"- now i see     
Na so i have created this whole Bullshit-story and she would now be the Ocean that i end in - fuck it is to hilirious - never relizing that i was here all along - no wonder that i got a half panic-attack in intense inferiority when standing before this being because of all this supressed mind-bullshit.

Ok, so at home i notice this situation is still on my mind and some backchat is coming up and getting half-nasty, spiteful as "Haha, now she is buying him toys - So they end up all ...this relationships" "yeah, toys for the kids - these kidpeople...she is playing the mother" and more...not so nice stuff sexually tainted lol

Obviosly i am jealous because another has got a toy and i am not - lol- ... so who is now the kid-people?
Na ok i stop this backchat and saw that this is one of the major "Check-out-points" for me.
Someone has got my toy - Someone has taken my toy away - Someone has taken my joy away - Someone has enslaved my cat - Someone fucks my wife - Someone has fucked up my life - Someone has enslaved my creation
I WILL FIGHT FOR IT

Not this time! I Check-Out of this programmed delusion to keep my on a long-con to find the SEA OF LIGHT - forgive myself and realize myself HERE as the moment as BREATH in the PHYSICAL as LIFE

Check-Out

So today i was shopping, actually i was "forced to" because a unecpeted event happened - while making an fairly important call the credit of my phone ran out and the call was terminated - and there is only this one shop where i could buy what i needed. I got a lot of food...the cleanig stuff that would have also been neccessary i forgot to get... and stand on the register where left and right of me is always special offers or other untensils "everyone needs" so that you take it when you are waiting - Actually this is working quite well, because you want to get out and on, one gets impatient - so i looked around "Can i use this do i need this" and "caught myself" looking at how was progammed to do so by this Setup - I mean from Childhood on...where you have this sweets and specific children stuff placed on the Checkout so that you want to get it and eve terrorize your parents "IWANTTHAT-MAMA" or something like that...

I looked at it as this being often also the case with walking this process   
- where in specific situations i got complete possessed by a experiance or personality and so not being able to face myself here effectively because its simply the past/memory-possession- for me this is/are on the one hand a intense "euphoria/joy" that roots most definately in drug-extasy-experiance where i "changed myself" completly - for some tíme - or fear... the polarity of "Love/Fear"- 
close to the check-out meaning before stopping and changing the mind presents the alluring, glittering and seductive shit...ok this are only my definitions again, because if looking at if i want to get out of "the store" i simply have to walk through the Check-out and not accumulating more stuff i have to pay for ... lol

Ok so i stand on the register and suddenly a being pops up that i have accepted and allowed to create all kinds of ideas and ideals about over a extended period of time and it does not see and recogice me -- Shit, hear(e) the trap clap(s) -- so i say "Hi" and she looks and speaks with me as "Hi, how are u we talked about u yesterday..." i get nearly a heart-attack axiety for a few minutes then i stabilize myself and walk out the store and calm down. I look around and see that she and a employee of the shop want to put a "thing" and i "percive" them to struggle a bit with it so i go there and "want to help", is see that they get it alone and turn around to fetch my bike. All of it in a exited state of half wanting to get away and the perception that this is also bullshit.

She is still there so i approach her and we speak a bit about what we are doing now in terms of studying and  i calm down and go into kind of a comfort-mode. She tells me about the "thing" being a kicker that she wants to gift her boyfriend ot christmas and i notice how i react to this within "slightly but surely", so i drive home and look how/why this situation unfolded and how it was created on my part:
The desire to meet this being again came up for some time an i allowed to participate in hope, also the last time i meet her i resisted talking or participating with her in fear of loss - where i sabotaged myself with such personality-possession as mentioned above - So i would not let this illusions in relation to her actally go and die by facing her and seeing who she really is

Its quite strange for that matter -in terms of the illusions- because i have this tendency to see beings as "more" and projecting stuff onto them - to build methapors or place parts of existence in them ...outside of myself- for example in the beginning of this she was in a rainforest for half a year. I would then think wow, cool she is adventorous and exaggerated this to "She looks like "the forest" - when you are in the forest, you become the forest ...so now she is the forest - cool!" wow, what the fuck ... and then the associations i would have to the rainforest mysteriuos, full of live, deep, dangerous, undiscoverd, virgin in a way, unspoiled, wild - untamed, ...so cool now she is this - basta -
the major fuck-up comes now as it was a main reason for me "creating the idea" of wanting to study, at this specific place were the pictures of the rainforest -sepecificly this spot, its a station where the wildlife and plants are "researched", where she was- that a friend showed me. I said "Wow, that are cool studies, this i also would like to do!" - If i trace the desire back more i find a general fascination with the rainforest (and "the polarity of desert") and the childhoodwish to be a "Animal researcher" - Books of Animals and forest, A book of my grandma and pictures of other cultures ...these with the big "plate" in the mouth and rings around the throat, Albert Schweizer, lol- the wish to help in the jungle - lol, pop up -  Ok, so i really am astounded how fucked i am...how fucked the mind is
Ok, so basicly me Childhood-dream resonated to the pics and dragged me to study, than i projected this childhood-dream onto her and "made her to my dream" - because she has lived and experianced this she must be cool, also the believe in a way that i can profit from this or experiance such stuff with her ... i want her experiance/energy

The next point in this was the rasta-hair and specific interest in herbs were i would think wow, she is rebellious, a oulaw, smokes pot - its interesting again, how i have given this hairs a whole personality on its own, if someone has rasts he/she is....and that the other being that was in this rainforest had also rastas and pot - then she cut the hair very short and i found that very rebellious and unconventional ...lol could it be that  i am and want to express a rebel and live unconventional - because i have chained myself to and with conventional bullshit into and as a straitjacket of morality

Next point is also a childhood-thing and came up first as i was on internet and - yes i am fucking stalker - googled her name: They have farm, how fucking cool is this i have partly growen up on a farm and this place and my grandma i would associate with freedom, care, love, wholeness, experiance, adventure, security, expansion, allONEness, being here with animals, openness, bliss -
What comes also up is that "This place could propably save me from having to study - Or not wanting to study, wanting to be on the farm", so the point that this (the farm) was my place of freedom and at home and school i feeled supressed and constricted, no wonder by the fucking way ... it is intensly unnatural for a living being to sit still not talk and communicate for hours and hours ...naja, lets say the schooling/education- system is not set up in real understanding of humans or any being for that matter
Ok, she was also a point to escape from my responsibilitys as studying but as i not faced her, in a way that i also could protect my isolated delusions - interessting how the point of money comes into play again because they run the farm as a accomodation for tourists and thoughts were there like "I could help with that...lol / "We" could do this so and so" wow what a delusion...and i would not have to learn, and work for myself...I point that i can also trace back as my first girlfriends family owned a business where i could work sometimes
and that this LIES within my Genes as my grandfather marryed into my the family of my grandma that had the farm - so this live experiance exist within my family, that there is a "save haven" waiting somewhere

So, time for a break

FREECHOICE to LOOK AWAY

"Freechoice is to KNWO the world is abusive and then to do nothing to change it" - Bernard Poolman

So, today i wanna dicate myself to this statement and look how we participate in this choice. In my live i have often done exactly this. Exatly seen that and how i exist in and as abuse and than turned a blind eye to the situations which eventually lead me to isolate myself pretty much. One cannot face abuse and do nothing - either one takes the opportunity and does something to change the situation or one separates oneself into the mind and use all kind of believes and definitions to not responde...actually it is a response, no its a reaction one programs oneself with to not responde but isolate

Looking at world there are more dimensions to this word, as you can see for example the "internal world", "personal world", "world of ur familiy and friends", "old world", "new world", "third word" or "this world" which would encompass all of it. In all of this worlds exist abuse - and we see this, yet we do not change it, we accept and allow it. We decide to ignore it - actually we do everything possible to not see, to not hear to somehow get along and cope with this shit - beause of fear of actally standing alone, of standing up in full awareness of what is here, what we have accepted and allowed within and without.

The internal world is the domain where the real evil and abuse houses, as apparently no one sees what we think and exist as. In our head we believe to have freechoice because "its my mind, i can think what i want "  "this can not harm anyone" and so we allow all kind of Stuff. In and as the mind i kill, i rape, i possess, in the mind i am a fucking-god, in the mind i deny, i hate, i desire, i fear, i am a accendet master, in the mind i hate but i am also Jesus - and we think this has no consequenzes - stuff we would or could not practically, physicaly live.  It has Consequenzes and brings about what we see within this world as what it exists, as we are creators - everyone creating as what is accepted and allowed whithin, yet we have a mind where we can suppress and hide the truth of ourselfs so that we actually believe ourselves to be "a normal person/ality" - the "Freechoice" to accept the abuse within our minds has the conseqenze of building all kinds of beLIEves into a Personality structure to hide behind - We live a lie if we accept the "Freechoice to KNWO the world is abusive and then to do nothing to change it" in and as our mind.

Family and Friends, oh my, the freechoice to accept and allow abuse in relationships is quite point that "hits me hard" because i have on several points then turned into the opposite direction of changeing - because i have been hurt, i was abused from my persective i went into revenge and abuse "I will only fuck with you" in this i have basically decidet to separate myself from my emotions to exist as this single-pointed desire, were my outflow was the to manipulate myself within various form - physically, emotionally, drugs - to get what i want. Projected you have "They only want to fuck with u" and this believe i have applied to judge everything and everyone (nearly)- SO the outflow of this is/was that "i dont give a shit about others" and through this i allowed even more abuse - I wrote nearly because one/two beings i "trusted" -lol- Its these close relationships "for ever" that i allowed the most abuse with and from. Long story short - The freechoice to allow abuse in my world of relationships instead of changing lead me to indifference, isolation, ignorance as consequenzes.

Yesterday i was quite shocked of how ignorant and uninterssted i have become with the things that happen in and as this world - The occupy movement atm, were i watched a few clips and reacted very strongly to the Propaganda and the "Stupidity of the people" yet i reacted because i have allowed myself to numb myself to dream and sleep away in Ignorance=bliss to not face the Nightmare that is here - WAKE UP


 

The Evening

Wow, so today after submitting the post the day really started...I wanted to do some recordings of translations and sat in front of the laptop. I had quite a resistence or/and pressure with doing this because i have not done this very often and dont really know how to also the message of Equal Money is most important and i do not want to make failures or simple do it good. Also i see that i am not so stable within myself that i dont react and i am "extremely wobbly" the last week or so - i feels like i am moving on a boat or waves moving inside me- so i notice that i do react quite ab bit with fear and constriction in the solarplexus. The point is also that i do not really know how far or not i participate in Ego with this or in general-If i experiance this because i participate from Energy, yet i have to because i have not so long- So yes i am not moving as self - yet i am moving at all.
As my laptop broke i could see how much i reacted and how much i have defined myself as the work and the work as important and me as inferior, if that makes sense.
First i was shocked than, i blamed myself and whined, also the point of "I can´t never do something right" came up and showes me where this Ego comes from. I want to prove myself that i am worth something if i define myself something that i do.
Ok, it is not practical for future to work, do and express in this way because it creates strong fluctuations if something does not work.
I did then some recordings with my Handy and was the faced with the next problem, that the files cannot be uploaded on the pc i have access to. After the chat - while the chat i got an email and acctually wanted to give up and the recordings to others - i got a mp3-player from a friend so i will use this tomorrow.
The coolest way to do this afait is to walk and speak while walking 

I really actually still hope that the Laptop will somehow magically fix it self lol i come home and it works again that would be cool...

(Hi)Story Part 1

I woke up from a dream and feel pushed and driven to write, actually i have thought while i was laying still in bed i should, i must make a vlog about this. Its so important, but nevertheless i stay in bed until the clock goes off - exactly as long as i can, if had written as i con -lol- Yeah, fuck i con myself with not getting up and staying in bed dreaming:

I am in a big room with lots of marketingspeople in their suits, expensive goldwatches - I wear a jacket of wool and find that perfidious and am somehow worried about that- and stuff like that, we are watching the newest Advertisemnent of the company and they are having great fun, debating and praising the spot. Wow, its fucking cool! We will sell a lot of stuff...- I get very angry because of the bullshit they are proposing and at some Point scream out "You Idiots don´t you see what your doning...You are destroying the whole planet -and we are all taking part - You you have the blood on your hands...Whats with your KARMA" So i preach like that some time and there are actually bankers crawling in fear on the ground "No, No" wanting to get away from my "powerful tirade". After that i leave i run away i want to the trainstation to get away as fast es possible. Let them rot in their own shit!

 At the moment i experiance myself ...hm, quite in a state or a point where i see that there is no way that this world as it is can go on. I applyed myself for 5 month in the Desteni I Process now and with getting the specific tools and applying it on my life, or what i call my life - which is in itself a multiple lie - i realize how fucked i really am. How specific the mind works and how there is not much of what one can call "living human being" in a human system.There is no choice for a "normal human", because i don´t know if there are beings that have completely transcended the mind, but even for them there is no choice because they are in a system of mind.
How i came to desteni and the journey to this point here is a interesting example for this:
First i came across the portal-interviews in Spring 2010 and was quite stunned and facinated. It made a great impression on me, actually i was sure that this is real and that life or the parts of existiance that are comming through are in fact speaking. So, the implications of this are then vast but also simple: Nothing that i know is real or in fact so - There is much more. Actually the stuff that most people or at least myself feel /hope for: Can this here be all?

- My Question was and is still in a way : What is infinity? How is this possible - like God is the greatest or the universe is the biggest thing...but it must be in something...what is beyond?-

I watched the vids and after a time i was "hooked" - read this term in a writing of Destonian and its very accurate - So while watching the vids the mind was basicly silent or i was attentive, its kind of unable to cope with what is presented and shared, but then i would question and doubt. I also heard some of the haters and spiteful comments spreading fear, basicly i allowed this to exist within me to a extent - i heared it because the fear was existent within me. So i then had a point where i had to decide if i want to participate on the forums - i was applying the 4 count breath and gotten to a point where i see : this works - and i supressed it basically because of fear.
 I was driving with my bike breathing in the dark and had a picture of the portal come in my mind saying "Come to me" and i applied immediatly Self-forgiveness to make it go away because this is not accaptable
So what i really did was to suppress the desire to paticipate on the forums and to express myself there - because of fear of losing control over my orderd reality.

The next days i was attending a new work for half a year and had no access to computer as such so i did not participate or go further into the material etc. I breath and spoke selfforgiveness - from morality, and in this time desteni existed like a "seed in my subconsciousness" as an idea and i wanted to simply stop the mind as breathing. I drank again a lot alcohol in this time but i often thought of desteni and what i heared and saw.
Here it becomes more clear for me also how i, in this time used desteni to make myself more than others, or more than my "own fall" and create a ego/personality out of it.

Yeah, the drugs or in this the alcohol...We were 50 Students, all attaining to work  in some nationalpark in germany,  and had this week where we would "get to know each other" basicly a big propaganda-event of the a big German Bank that was sponsoring our work in the Nationalpark. We had to absolve lots of workshops or events, basically the whole day also with presentations of how the bank "is careing for nature/environment" or what the "students have done last year in their projects" all very proud-personality bullshit. And i was sitting there kind thinking how ridiculous and fucked up this whole charade is and i was acctually spiteing and hating jet i directed this outside of self - this stupid people, why can´t they see and i validated my emotions, anger, hatred with desteni or the portal interview - basicaly knowledge and info - i separated myself in a believe that now i am something better - more-ality - and put desteni as a validation to not face myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse desteni to validate my hatred and rejection of society
I forgive myslef for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse desteni to justifiy anger, hatred and spite of myself and the system outside of self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate fighting against the system and the mind, instead or realizing that i am fighting spiting hating myself by creating a Matrix-personality of fighting and superiority
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see and realize that hatred is my "last resort"

The thing is that most of the other beings were as aware as me that this is a Propaganda and a Marketing of the bank jet not all react with the same hatred to it: I WANT THIS TO GET AWAY-I HATE IT
And the even more fucked up thing is that it is set up in a kind of double-moral because the bank actually paid for us and our "Praktica for Nature" as they call it - So i hate and spite myself to participating in such an act of Propagada, actually profiting from it - HA! This is apoint that i am walking/facing in my studying again now...UHhh, this is shit, mabye i should not do my diploma it is fake/not valid and selfforgiveness is much more impotant - This is bullshit i am trying again to place knowledge between myself and my responsibilitys the excuse that this is more important than that to stay who i am. There is nothing more important, i have to do all that is here to do for me...no way out.
As i said not all beings would react in this way the most "normal" -a i am abnormal then...yes fucking special because i hate ja its cool to hate ja - would connect with each other and make the best out of it or at least speak and participate with each other...So here we have it again... I did rather separate and isolate myself fear anxiety ... i found myself most of my life "unable" or "unwilling" to connect to "strangers" or simply express myself - always wanted to do it for someone else - fight for something, protect something, help someone close relationships or be alone like a dog or a wulf - a wolf-dog ... always on guard to fucking kill the intruders
But who is the lordling of this wolf dog - i have to find the lordling and kill him...lol because he/it has trained me to hate myself is this not an violent act? I will go and find it/he and place the Statement set me free or i will set myself free whatever it takes!
 Its really strange because whom will i want to kill but myself, i want to take revenge on myself for training me to hate and reject myself as others. I blame myself for being violent with myself - yet i want to kill myself - OK, that is a fucked up viscious cycle.
The "lordling(s)" outside of myself are not here any longer and i have to direct myself - I cannot do this if i constantly want to take revenge on myself -
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to split myself from myslef into a personlity of hatred and anger in which i want to contantly kill myself for what i have accepted and allowed
I forgive myself fro accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that i am a dog on a leach or a bear in a chage
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed to enslave myself to consciousness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own consciousness
I forgive mysefl for accepting and allowing myself to try to kill myself as consciousnes
I forgive mysefl for accepting and allwoing myself to hate myself as a mind-consciousness-system
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate my own enslavement, instead of realizing that in hate i give it power
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for wanting to be enslaved
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myselt to hate my thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and alllowing myself to want my mind to go away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to not think anylonger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to stop my mind
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see and realize that in fighting against the system and the mindsystem whithin i create and manifest a complete fighting personality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight my thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to kill myself in fighting my mind