Writing 26092011

I AM DECIVING MYSELF - I HAVE TO STOP AND SLOW DOWN

Writing 25092011

So as i have resistance to write this point i will: I have stoped masturbation for 3weeks now, and it was quite easy i simply stopped. In this time i had some desires come up rather in relation to females in my world than for masturbation - what i noticed is that if i allow a sexual desire to "posses" me or give into the feeling, because it feels nice, i am "it" and this makes no difference between beings - i am possed by this energy- so i had a few of these allways triggered by an sexual imagination, which is obviously a consequence of creating sexual imagination, porn and masturbation in the past, and this is very "tricky" for me not to get caught, jet when i look at it the reactions are more or less created in a similar way.
I find a female attractive - experiance desire/attraction - judge and suppress desire/thougts - (this happens quite fast and for different "reasons" ->investigate!)- a other being says something to me that i interpret sexually/or is sexually -imagination ->  reaction as emotion/laughting (hiding in this actually accepting) -> possesion by desire
So, however yesterday i had a dream while waking in the mornings of lying with my "Ex" in bed - the bed i lay in with her - and cuddling observing beings specific "nature/essence" -lol- this then developed into sexual activity and i awoke quite aroused - this was the first time since stopping
Today i had also a dream of sexual content of a male fucking with females - and me then not fucking also a female but the male - so i interpreted this in various ways,either option for the mind to switch from femalepictures or competition or sth - and acctually getting an orgasm while sleeping
This - getting an orgasm while sleeping - happend to me as i was stopping masturbation before.
What i also want to note is that i each of the days sleeped about 9 hours in contrast to normaly 5-6
It shows me that in mind there is sexual-desire existend and also the imaginary and that i apparently have not solved this point but suppressed it pretty much ->obviously this is no self-directive action as sleep=mindcontrol
So i tend to jugde this point - and also reacted to the malefantasie - but i also have created a kind of validation for it as "I can not do anything i am asleep in this moments" and "Maybe my body needs to get rid of the shit..." but i have created this shit trough supression so i have to be honest with myself and sort out this Desire-point at its core

Writing 24092011

As i checked my gmx-accout today i found a message titled "hey, need help?" under the adress of the intro-forums. My first impression was that "hm, that`s weird, nobody within desteni sayed wrote/communicated in way with u - its not the way self is supported here..." but then also a thought came up "Maybe "they" have seen what i do as "not sufficient/not good enough"
So i rather was intrigued by the apparetly autentic email and kind of "trusting/curious" opening and reading further were i found something about who this mail was sent via an blablablabla accout of a member of desteni and the forums and that if i find the content abusive or offending than i shall send it to the bordmoderator

The there was the question of "Do you know its a cult" and lots of pictures. I was still in this curiousity/excitement-mode and opend one of the where i was suprised with a male presenting his asshole pulled open by his own fingers/hands so taht u can actually see the rectum from the inside...

What a site as the first thing in the mornings...so i know this specific picture and it is/was gladly used to "shock" others like "Wow, look at this u have never seen such a fucking thing in your live - UUUUAAUAHA WWAAAHHH" but never i reacted in a way that i percieved it as an energetic push in the solar-plexus.

and experianced it as offense and attack angainst me - this lasted not long or strong but was noticable, i stoped myself from going into hating back or being angry but it clearly activated the mind and specificly the doubts = self-doubts i have accepted and allowed in the beginning of finding desteni and also the fear of being controled and directed, which is the fucking fear that "these haters have" so, cool taht this brought it up again to see that i bit of a hater is still existent wihtin me...

This played then out in thoughs of "Maybe this is really from Bernard/Desteni, to test me, specificly because i have to stand this test of not reactin to such pictures/If i react to such pictures and an "percieved attack" on my ego i am surely not "good enough" to stand as life" - So watched this reactions i my mind and it was interessting to let them play out etc. later is realized that in this "percieved test/exam imposed from outside" is again my own judgments of how i believe i have to be in walking process

Also looking at the "design" of the message:

First the trust is created through imitating -or however this shit works- the email

Then interesst is sparked and care simulated "hey need help?" to open one up

Next you read the fake-account that has the name of a real being in it

So now u are courios and open and then there comes the punch of 

a photo that you would not expect...

And one starts to wonder "why, ahh, what have i done...who does want what"

SO, here the solution for myself:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge haters and abusers in this judging myself, instead of forgiving myself as a hater and abuser till i do not react any longer – but only see with clarity

And some Self-forgiveness for the hater in me:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through hate and myself as others through hating them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge haters and abusers in this judging myself, instead of forgiving myself as a hater and abuser till i do not react any longer – but only see with clarity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present others with abuse, which is always only self-abuse, to have them react and in this feel strong and powerful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to built and strengthen my Ego through the reactions of shock, fear, embarrassment and rejection in others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately fuck with, abuse, deceive others to get a sense of power, control and satisfaction – because I hate myself as who I am and what I have allowed myself to be as hater and abuser –as the only way to feel worthy at all

I forgive that I have not allowed myself to accept myself as who I am as the breath as the moment as me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a hater

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an abuser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create hate within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct this hate within myself to various manifestations outside of myself in the believe that “I hate them/this” instead of realizing that “I hate” = “I am hate” = “hate is existent within me”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with myself and hate myself for not standing up from this hatred and anger within me – not realizing that I only further compound this system within myself if I accept and allow myself to exert/express anger/hatred onto others or myself in thought word and deed - I have to forgive myself!

Writing 23092011

In the mornings i "overslept" as my clock did not work - handy was out - then i noticed the tendency of judging myself and i see that i have created a point of being "proud" of myself for not sleeping long when i am/was staying with my parents and working and i percieved this as very important - so i have to be aware of this point, i drew the taro-card of morality which basicliy showed my that i jugde sleeping and in this myself within the polarity of good/bad. I applyed SF and this cleared it pretty much. Generally i have noticed quite and change in my overall experiance here, more relaxed, wanted to write lazy=judgement which is not really true for today. This "relaxion" is pretty much due to not having other beings/situation that bring up the points/reactions so "nothing to relate to" for the mind 
This means not that the mind is mircuosly gone but here i simply have/live another "pattern"

Today i was buying some food and in this had some reactions to the no sugar-commitment because it was "not so easy to find something without sugar" "Ah, all the stuff that i can not eat now, i can basiclly eat nothing at all" "How good would this be now" but i noticed that i avoided looking at the sweets, icecream etc
but i mean why should i create something (i have to face and confront myslelf with the continoued sight of sweets-like i did with porn- if i "know" i will react) this is deliberatly creating an reaction to show me that i react so i can judge myself=Self-abuse = mind-fuck

Writing 22092011

Ok, so today i changed my living situation again - only for the weekend - and it was quite interresting to see, that i actually experianced specific train of thought that i would connect to this eara, ok that was not that suprising, the thing i did not expect was that i faced some fearful thought, basicly self-doubts, about living alone again after the two month with the parents, specificly in relation to not working and self-application. If i am able to push application more or hold in on this level, fears of doubts about if i will be lazyer again and procrastionate more if i have more "free-time" -which is obviously a ponit of self-honesty- but i simply realize TAHT I AM NOT MY PAST AND I WILL NOT GO BACK- so the point with this is that i wrote more in the last time - also here on the blog also with the commitment-  obviously because i had more extreme situations/reactions as Familiy/Work and the Beginning with the Fall - so i kind of developted the believe that i need this stimulus to get directive which is bullshit and no real self-direction, so cool to be aware of the point and correct it now in the moment in applying myself consistently-Keep the blogging up! And also when i move here in 3weeks.
Its the point of really taking once and for all self-direction as in this behaviours and thought i see that i still believe that i want to relie on systems as mom and dad within me to direct me -
This is also very interessting because with myparents i would blame the enviroment/situation for making me angry/supressing me and fear that bullshit and now when i am "free" with myself again i fear being lazy and undirective - So we have a polarity going ...

The solution is Simple: Applying myself - find the time - reagardless of the situation/enviroment for myself as myself consitently in the realization that process is not coincidently but a self-creation


The sugar-point was noticable as a percieved calmness, but i had also a lot of yawning today - while traveling to munich had the tought "i would want something to eat" - but what ? - and then i had like really "from behind" coming up this Image of a choco-bar like mars or sth. in a way that i did just wanted to go with the imagination/desire but than noticed it "Fuck, no!" and "caught it" -lol- Ok so now with being alone and watching tv i have also short thought/desire flashing up.
I am tired and to to bed

Writing 21092011

Ok, today with not eating sugar i experianced some cravings in the form of short and not very pronounced desire like "Ah, now i would like to eat some sweet stuff" especially after dinner where i would sit with my parents or now in the late evenings as i have created this point of "eating sweets/choclate alone, when nobody would see it and confront me with it" Its also apoint of "hiding what i do/want" and i acctuly got out some satisfaction from this - especially when i was younger and not allowed to eat as much sweets as i want i would go to a shop, buy some and go to a friend and eat it - a feeling of i do something forbidden - and in and through this experiance a sense of freedom and independence - also a point of rebelling. In the next cycle, as a adult i would change sweets for drugs and feel independet and rebelling - like i do not take shit and rules from anyone - through consume again hiding which brings me to the topic of yesterday - cool -

to continue with the time i started to work my forerunner in this position had still 1 jear or sth. finish and we go along quite well at work but but had many things "in common" He was interessted in football and his father was a police-officer both of which i judged as "uncool" so this were points of backchat - i wanted to write that the "normal" Comparison and competion that is existent within me in relation to males was not there as he posed no threat and he was "uncool", the relating went calmly - looking at it again this points of competion and comparison/judgement/jealousy where existent yet in/as Backchat - Within myself - and also the point of perfomance in school/exames was a point of competion only not realized.

I started to work with one guy i already wrote about from which i have "learned" some of the critical-thinking relating to the job and also the first impressions that "Not everything is reliable here/Lots of not so perfect solutions and also that solutions are not always accepted and applied" as he had for example a simple method to circumvent inproper/inaccuraty analytical-results - which could save time and stress - but this was not applied regularely. He also had some problems which our female beings at work.
The point for me here to look at and take on in selfforgiveness is the "Tendency to identifiy myself with him/Believe i play his role in some way" - again comparison, to gain something, he was a "clever head" rational and logic thinking and also not caring what others say in a way - so cool points to start  

Writing 20092011

Ok, at the moment or since i work again at my old workplace i experiance strong reactions towards the work the beings. With everyone there is a different point of jugdments or backchat and some of them.
So i will beginn with the workplace:
The work was opportunity for me to "get on my own" feet move out from my parents. My dad works in the same company and we often drove there in the same car, he fetched me at my flat where he somtimes/often had to wait. I was quite well performing in the beginnings and - as i firstly only had a practikum there but was then asked if i want to do an apprenticeship "because i was well performing"- Ok, so in the beginnings this all went quite cool i still had a car and a driverslicence and was smoking lot of pot the whole time  and experimenting with other drugs as well which was als one of the reasons why i wanted to move out at home as there were more and more conflicts and fears - and i mean i was abusing myself and my parents trough still living there with 21 years basicly doing nothing but taking drugs- so i did not take long then i lost my driverlicence which was one first point of "hiding" because i did for a long time not keep this secret obviously because "the loss" was drug-related and the point of "what will the others think of me" propably on some level also about my father then...but mostly because of myself. I enjoed working there and it had this point of an "regulated" and "normal" live. I had the feeling there of being liked and "save/cared for"-Basicly i was participating/creating in personality-. Ok, my private life went the "other way" which was also supported through the rhytmus of working and the believe/behaviour that i have to/can allow myself to satisfy myself when having free-time. As said, pot everyday after work as the first thing i would do. On the weekends i would drink or/and take drugs with friends or alone and/or go clubbing somewhere. Whit working i started to dring coffee and at this time it acctually had quite an effect on my, and soon i would drink energy-drink after work, as i would be "tired" from working, and quite fast i lived such an circle of functioning as personality in work and "live life" in the spare time. "Live life" would basicly always involve drugs and "illegal actions" all of which i had to hide at work as it is/was not accepted in society.
 So i created a lot of "guilty consciense" about myself basicly. Back then i found it cool to seperate myself and used this Knowledge as a point superiorty - more tomorrow

Ahh ja, sugar cravings i had a little, one or two today but i have also eaten some sweetend crannberies so the actual commitment starts today/now! 

Writing 20.09.2011

Today will only be a short writing here:

I stop eating proccessed suger - for at least 21days

Why? I am aware of this point some months now and have always postponed it...It is a point of self-abuse and even more so cause of not living my words/thoughts - More will follow - lol

Writing 18092011

Today about an hour ago i faced a backchat-personality-manifestation in the relation to my parents: They were in "church" today and i was at home doing stuff at the pc. As they came home i keept doing what i was doing, interesstingly i was hearing some old stuff/music (thunderdome) that i related to a angry/rebellious phase in my teens - the point with this music is that found i cool based on a friend that i had that i percieved as very indepentdent from his parents, free, doing what he wants, was into drugs and also the circle of friends already having trouble with police, so i found that quite cool as it repesented a polarity point to my percieved suppressed and infearior existence, i feeled "honored" and "good/worthy" to be accepted and liked by those "cool" guyes and happy as this friend told my that "You are a cool person" So for me this music represents intensity, power, energy,  but also specialness - so as they moved around a bit more here the thoughts/push to say something to them came up but i did not act on it and but i had backchat about them thinking about me and them being loaded with energy from worshiping(praying/singing) in church - I actually do not even know if/or what they do there, but asked my mother today about it, have do this a few times now, and comunication actually helps to clear up some points of (self-)judgement. I did not often go there (communication) because of judgement :-) Communication helps to see and stop judgement, who had thougt this? :-) - while sitting on the pc i was more and more feeling supressed/unconfortable and some kind of anxious energy possesing me.
I related the experinace to my parents, yet i see its myself and only my mind blaming. so i stabilise myself and go to have food with them were i keept quiet/step back and stabilize myself and have to push myself a bit to participate with them.
While washing dishes with my mom i start to ask her what they have do at "church" and she shares what they do and asks if/that i also what to come to them sometime. And i say "No, because this would only strengthen my personality as i would either have to lie or to say to the other people "NO, NO,NO" the whole time/Only if i am stable enough to not react can this benficial as a test for myself"
This exact playout cycled often and we had bit of discussion, till my father came and said that some preacher in TV spoke something about forgiveness - because we have also sometime scratched the topic- and i watched 3 sentences and was ready to go of on the topic, how there is only self-forgiveness and self-judgement etc. and the whole cristianity is based on care for others=deception.
In this i was "already" participating in energy and unsatisfied because they did not further discuss with me, so i went to my father in the livingroom and sat down and said that i shy away from confronting the point of their believes openly because i do not want to "upset" them and that the source is the they support me finacially and that i "fear of losing that support". So we discussed the point of god and religion/believe and i pointed out firstly that i percieve i would do this with every being in my reality but could see that this be different "because of our history"= emotions/energy/personality. Points that came up for me was the:
Feeling guilty/responsible for them
Wanting to help/save parents, because of feeling guilty / Wanting others to walk process- stop lies- apply tools
The money-point

But my father assisted me quite a bit by asking more times why i so persistently want to "push" them to accept my believes/perceptions and also something we spoke about before: That god is a point to abdicate self-responsibility, self-denial and in the accetpence of god one accepts something greater, separate from self that one believes to need to support and help oneself

After stepping away for a moment and while listening to a interview of sunette I saw that " Fuck i am doing exactly the same - I still accept myself to feel dependent on my parents and exist in the believe that i "need" them and the i owe them something for supporting me"
What i then do in this playouts is to participate in Ego to cover up my inferiority and feel superior/independent/free through knowledge
Actually i am not one iota better/worse then them, as i am participating in same mind-system if i accept such patterns of Ego/personality to play out. This pattern is not new and i am "quite aware how and why" i have created and accumulated the thought-energy. This is unacceptable! TILL HERE AND NO FURTHER i will no longer exept and allow myself to play this pattern out over and over again. I investigate myself forgive the relevant points and stop myself!
 

Writing 17092011

Today i sleept about ten hours or so and with awaking quite imediately judged myself for oversleeping, which was rather masked in "what do others think of me"-thoughts - so i projected my self-judgement onto others and then blame them for judging me and apparently causing the experiance of myself - I am the source and origin of my experiance -NOTE IT MIND-

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be "perfect" already
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/act moral, judging me for even a point of sleeping
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see that i jugde myself from the starting-point of fear of doing something wrong and fear of making a mistake in process
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to apply moral in my life on myself as my process from the desire to be good/perfect=fear of making mistakes instead of realizing that this is again defining myself according to my mind
I stop judging myself according to shoulds/should nots in relation to process - This is self-manipulation according to my mind - I do not allow myself to manipulate myself through judgment to fit my "Idea" of myself - If i have made a commitment or spoken/given my word to myself or others i will simply walk/do what i have to live my word

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to project my own self-judgmet onto others with thoughts of "what do they think of me" or " Are they ... now in realtion to me" instead of taking "what they think" or " what they  .... " back to myself and forgive myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse others as a screen for my projections=self-judgments so that i can blame others for what i accept and allow as self-abuse within myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to acctually make myself believe taht others are judging me when it is me the whole time that is judging myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for apparently being the cause for my experiance within myself insted of realizing and accepting myslef as creator of my experinace and therefore look and see into me how i have created the selfjudgement and over time a specific experiance

I do not any longer allow myself to think and blieve that others are judging me and/or care for "what they apparently" think of me to delude myself in the believe/perception that "they" are the cause for my experiance within. I stop and breath whenever i blame others or make others responible for what i am experiancing.
I stand up from the blame, see into me and investigate why and how i have created this judgement about self and stand up from it in self-forgiveness

Fear of sharing self-forgiveness

Often i would want to share self-forgiveness as a tool with other beings for example with friends and family
but restrain myself from it and only say: "You/one can forgive oneself" yet i know this is not sufficient - then i feel like leaving them out half-way Why do i not share unconditionally:
Possible points
- Feeling not stable and clear enough to do so
- Fear/thoughts that the other being is not interessted/will not apply
- using it as a point of superiority as: I do SF- i am better, they will not understand
                                                        They are christians, they will not understand, be interrested
- Fear of being dishonest with myself for pushing this point - which is a self-realisation-point - onto others
- No proper "material" for self-application like the destini faq in german that i could simply give to other to study  an test for themselves -> i mean this is a point of simply translating it...
- underlying anger/frust/hatred of not wanting to forgive myself as them/others and therfore not sharing    self-forgiveness and related nastyness

Writing 16092011

So today i had mostly to do with facing in myself in interacting with my mother. As i was getting up in the morning she told me that the chimmney sweeper was "already" in a tonality and way that i interpreted als worried and of anxiety and i reacted with anger and feeling resonsible to "do something". She was sitting in front of the TV and watching such a show were they would sell "holiday" - "for the cheapest price available", "all inclusive here", "really worthy and exclusive holiday" and lots of this shit - So i sat down and breath and the anger somewhat went down reading the newspaper. But this whole situation i could not bear as having this "brainless, manipulative catter" running in the TV and my mother watching it. So at some point i expressed that "This shit should be banned - such fucked up brainwashing" and i decided to move an sort out papers etc. So my mother also started to move and we cleaned parts of the house which was quite cool, but there also was backchat that "i have supported/helped now". I then wanted to sort out old stuff/cloth that is still here from ten years back when i lived here...This i will definitly do - as it is simply a point sorting out "the past" it is "my stuff so i will do it" -
Over and conversation with my mother i "forgot" to do so...while speaking with her i experianced itching on my chest area - manifested consequence - not to strong but noticable, suppressed not dealt with and forgiven anger, the point of feeling controled, frustration, blame and - the conversation was "Ok" from certain perspective but went the to energetic - an interessting thing is that it acctually started/was instigated by me reacting to "father is not as capable and resilent anymore after the operation" and me reacting to the word resilent - i percieved it as blame - and started to say that maybe she has to be more sensitive now. So i realized than that this is "not my business" or what i am doing and i shared somethings, she shared somethings and we basicly ended or i relaised that she is taking it personaly as i was sharing how i experianced some of the childhood
Ok this played later again in another conversation.
I have also today procrastinated working on the DiP-assignement and not writen or done self-forgiveness, but indulged in lots of icecream an laziness
  I will push myself to participate more in practical living application again

Writing 15092011

First point today was some reaction to my mother as i slowly but surely am getting angry/frustrated with living with my parents and especially blame it on my mother also on my father but with my mother it is more fucked, as if i speak to her about stuff there is very fast the point of her being "hurt" crying -going into this emotional manipulation and this is always the same cycle - but on the other hand i have to... Hmm, the point today morning was that she was tired and expressing this and i am having a hard time not to be influenced by this and not to judge her or my parents and i have to see that i do and that have not taken self-responsibility in writing self-forgiving because of the belive that "i am aware of the points" and simply have to walk the correction in not reacting - yet this is not so easy because there are more points within me not solved /transcended for real- at the moment i am at the point of facing the point of "wanting to help/save/care" others in writing and also procrastinate it. Yet the point keeps comming up in my world and angering me in other beings when i see that it is dishonest.
I AM ANGRY FOR NOT FACING THIS POINT IN MYSEFLF AND STOP IT!
If i am not standing clear of emotions but act from energy it benefits no-one

So waht i also experiance is a strong desire to leave for a few days as i have allowed myself to feel supressed and obviously supressed myself over time here. I was going to get a train today to go to my place over the weekend and as i was leaving the house i was excited, happy and feeling free/releaved and as i missed the train experianced immediate disapointment and supression and - as much as i would like -to and also do i-
blame my parents and their livestyle/belives and the bullshit i am responisble for myself

Yet especially the points of my mother taking anti-depressants for extendet time and the obvious self-delusions of believing in "jesus/god/i am saved/i have given my live to jesus" and the whole bullshit is a very "hard pill to swallow" without judging or wanting to help/have an influence/intervene/have an impact
But i see this is exactly the point i have to stop and CARE FOR MYSELF in appling Selfforgivenss on the points...
One point i could clear up a little bit was that i always thought that "I was responsible for my parents turning to believe/Jesus" jet after asking my mother shared that she got there trough "suffering in the hospital"as a cause-point-yet selfhonestly it is complety irrelevant...

Writing 14092011 Accept it - and you are fucked

So today i had and "interessting" experiance of mind-possesion. So with stopping masturbation i have noticed some compunding of systems wihtin myself and also desire for sex or orgasm underlying yet it is possible to breath trough and i do so. At work two girls were going outside to get a sample a short walk away. It was raining outside and as they were coming back i was asking if they have gotten wet by the rain. One of them said "No, because we had an umbrella"
As she was gone a collegue said "So, then you have nothing/not to rub them dry"
I had an imagination of this popping up in the mind and - interpreted it sexually - and reacted with laughting/smiling but also the thought that this sentence of him was his minds interpretation of the situation and the thought that he says this to me because he knows i have no relationship and sees me in this way and wants to kind of "get me out behind the oven"
I reacted again and said to him -because he is in relationship, and i percived the situation as him projecting his desire- "Yeah, but you are not even allowed to..."
So in this reaction i have already accepted the bullshit-imagination
As it was bugging me in my break i applyed self-forgiveness spoken aloud on Sex/self-expression/slef-care and experianced quite an release and opening up - and expressed myself more with the beings - jet i experianced myself possesed by the point and then soon started to judge and supress myself again, especially in relation to the femals at work, as i would the want to flirt and talk etc. with them, but than there are lots of points that i judge like them having partners, being to young - wihtin this i can see that i very often connect and realate the most forms of relating -with females- to relationship and have a lot of morality-bullshit created around it.
The point that i want to make is that if i would have stayed here, instead of going into separation and thinking that "it was his projection ... .blahblah" i would not have accepted to reacted and in this manifested the playout of judgements and possesion

Writing 13092011

Yesterday i applied Venos Selfforgiveness on the Forhead-point and this was very helpfull to dissipate the energy in the forehead but also to get more insight in the cause as my behaviours - when i jugde myself for my position in the system judging myself as my mind for my achievements or work. Wanting to be recognized and approved. Comparing and judging myself in relation to money, "access to sex". A interesting point was that other beings said to me "you are good at explaining things - a good teacher - do you want to be a teacher sometime"
- In my brake this came up again and i firstly was not sure if the beings were honestly sharing what they thing or why they say this, but this is also irrelevant from the perspective of: I can see, how i can and do care and take the being in consideration that i "teach" something and that if i allow myself to accept this situation as me i do ok an have fun with it. The interessting thing is how it is really a quite different application and mesure that i put up for myself.
So why am i not effective in "teaching" myself - In diciple(in)-ing myself - or mybe i am - but i am not patient but rather hard!and therefore i do not hear myself
I am not supporting myself in appying and estabishing what i have changed, but i am still fixiated on the "failures" of myself and then judgeing myself instead of embracing them as me as working on them as myself.
Discepline myself to do/live the words i speak.

Writing 12092011

Ok i am quite frustrated at the moment or today as i was experiancing lots of reactions. I experianc a pressure on my eyes and forehead that is quite uncomfortable. I see this still connected to the experinace of going to the mountain - compromising myself in the believe that i "will help the other being"- its a point i have to really be careful of and work with selfforgiveness as this played out in many relationships - and i always fucked myself up-
It stems from competition/comparing wanting to be superiour/fear or inferiority -> judgment-> Ego-believe ->fight for Ego-believe
Ok, so this week i want to get at least 6 hours sleep so - good night

Writing 11092011

Today i typed a intro for the ITD-Forums and i asked myself why i really did not share myself for the last month on the forum, as i wrote only "Ego-reasons" and lots of stuff to do - the one point being a validation/exuse and "Ego-reasons" is quite undefined. Than i looked at that the last post was about wanting a relationship and i wanted to open this up but again i "had lots to do" at this time and since then i did not touch the construct/point again in writing, only in reality were i could for example see that if i feel angry/stressed with something and i want to get away a picture/thought about a female comes up. So, now what is interessting is that i am now at a point also in the DIP were i opened up a memory where i went into my first relationship that i did resist to write out quite some time. So basiclly the point is that my relationships where all from the point of needing in something or someone to love, care for, support because i have not allowed this to do for myself as myself. The care, love, support experianced is the same but it is directed outside and therefore dependent on something outside of self instead of me supporting myself whatever. So this is the point to open up and look at. Also prominent in all my relations is this point of "helping/saving/supporting" v.s."being helped/supported/saved" - ego-point- instead of a relating to the best of both as actually creating a experinace of enjoyment as equals. This also what came up yesterday.  

Writing 10092011

Today i was on the "Untersberg" with one of my Co-workers. It started about a week ago where i said at work that i want to visit this mountain in the next time and he said if we go there together an i said "Yes, we can do that or make a crossing or sleep on it" but did not really expect that he would come back to it and as he did yesterday i was suprised. I had some Ego-point with him an some Backchat and judgemts about him that i have not completly stopped yet. Obviosly it are mostly points that i have/had within myself. Some points of comparism and competition mostly not spoken. Mostly i would judge him for "presenting a deceptive/friendly personality at work compromising himself, supressing selfhate" Exactly what i do -fuck

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge M as presenting a deceptive friendly personaliy at work and to his boss, compromising himself and supressing Self-hate
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for presenting a deceptive friendly personality at work and to my boss instead of simply standing as being who i am in/as the realisation of myself that i do not have to use deceptive frendlieness to hide behind and to be accepted and liked - i am accept myself as who i am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself judge myself as compromising myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself  through particiation in the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress hate instead of relasing it through forgiveness in the moment
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself, and supress and accomulate this hatred within myself, for compromising myself as who i really am by presenting a deceptive personality-presentation of friendliness and happiness at work towards my collegues and my chef
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that i have to compromise myself at work
I forgive myself for accetping and allowing myself to make myself belive i am compromising myself when i am not
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe i have present a deceptive personality-presentation of friendliness at work or to my chef
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that i have judged friendliness as always "fake"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge participation in/as personality as wrong/fake/unaccepable instead of seeing and accepting that in this world at the moment everybody plays out personalitys

As he asked me yesterday i said "yes" quite fast from the point of not wanting to "disapoint" him and my Ego-point of "i said a will do this" but i did not realy want to and this was simple not a self-directed decision but my mind not wanting to lose. I "guess" with him it was the same as he was then asking around, wanting others to come with us but did not find anyone. I made than up in my mind the point of going with him to "help him to get out on the weekend and support him with this" as a reason to go: At least it is good for him....I realized this Point because i feeled not quite right with my descision and did SF on it. Jet this whole poin/contruct played out today also from his side because the first point was the SELF-COMPROMISE to HOLD UP a EGO-POINT=SELFINTEREST

What was very interesting also was that i tryed to figure it out, was caught in the mind, angry, blame etc. until the moment we where down from the mountain - It dropped immediatly and i was silent  

Writing 09092011

NOT WANTING ANYTHING

This is a point or con-clusion i have made and tried to fullfill basicly the last ten years. I came to this con-clusion after a experiance with mushrooms and in the weeks after it where i - from my perspective now - became aware of my mind. I experianced in this way: I "knew" immediatly what other people "want from me", where is their self-interrest and after a while i realized that i do the same and this was basicly a nightmare because nothing is real - nothing is what it seems to be and everything is only Ego and Personalities directing, speaking and acting to get what it wants. For me this "Wanting" was the primary point and i "realized" that i have to stopp wanting

So i "stopped wanting" with smoking pot and lots of judgment because my starting-point was the fear of this experiance - you are allone and everybody wants something from you - to make it go away. Of course i did not stop anything but only supress the "whole shit"
What i did not consider is that in this i created the ultimative trap for myself because what can u do if u do not want to do something? So everything i did i judged and so many things i did not even do or consider doing because i judged it or myself for.

Manifesting the Ego-self-belive "I do not need or want anything"
   
Wow, i have really made it hard for myself... but the good thing is this personaliy is basicly hanging itself because it simply runs out - It`s complete self-dishonesty because not realisable, we are here interdependent in co-existence and i am not a singular separated being that does not need anything.
It is very limiting/exhausting and unpractial to live in such a LIE because as i want to do something for example working to get money - there is my subconsciously my judgments and hate and spite "Haha you are working, you want and need money, u are participating in the system - what you have wanted not to do anymore"

In this i realized that this was/is one major POINT wihtin myself because this is/was manifesting the constant and ulimative self-defeat as i can simply not stopp wanting or desiring - as

LIFE is DESIRE is WANTING to LIVE 

So its not to judge, deny, supress Desire or Wanting but to DIRECT MYSELF AS DESIRE to apply myself as who i am to do what is best vor all

Writing 08092011

Ok it is really time for me to get to some points of my experiance in my workingspace/place. First of all there is often this feeling also thought that am infearior/wired/laught at. I also have often thoughts about a worker that has worked with me in the beginning an"shown" me some stuff - the dishonestys and unspecificetys of the work/methodes - and compare myself with him also was reminded by my chefin: "U did this ... there was another how did this also" I know she did not like him. however not the exact reason why - he was a "intellektual religious misfit" did not fit into consumerism but stopped then working to go to a monastory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to my co-workers and less then them so i have to obey them and their rules or methodes
I am here as equal with my coworkers
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to obey their rules and methodes to be accepted and liked
I forgive myself that i have accpted and allowed myself to compare myself to my co-workers and especialy with E.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge E as wired and an intelektual religious misfit
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being compared to E and see as wierd
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to what other people think of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being talked about behind my back because i see this happening with other beings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for talking and hating others behind their back instead of seeing that i do the same within my head about them in judgeing them as participating in Ego - -lol- in this fuckin myself into a state of separation trough knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as others

Till here and no further! THIS IS MYSELF-I DECIDE WHO i AMI stopp- I will no longer allow myself to
judge myself and others in my mind - Not trough my own thougts or jugements and not with the shit i have accepted to take from others. Whenever i see myself thinking about anyone or judging someone I stopp see what this presents my about myself - i face myself - and forgive myself unconditionally. I remain here as silence as sound

Writing 07092011

Today a i experianced quite "heavy" reactions as thougts/emotions/feelings. With working  in the lab i noticed the tendency to go into a kind of separation from all that is here and only focussing on "my Work".
I forgive myself for accepting and allwing myself that to think and belive that have to separate myself to focus on work
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to be here with work as the moment of working so that im here as as all as one as equal
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to belive that i can only focus on one task/thing/fact at a time - "my work"

A female being at work gets her certificate of work/lerning tomorrow and i asked her about it "So you get ur certificate tomorrow" "Yes, we making Photos etc." she looked really happy/smiling and we laught. Somehow i could not stand this, to simply express myself with her as enjoying this moment. I feeled inferior because i feeled attracted and started to ask
"waht did u get as a grade?"
"89% - of the points"
"Ah,89 not 98 i understood 98"
"No,89"
"So you will end up hanging in the hall of fame of ....(company) Things like this you do not forget"
I than snapped out of this bullshit and looked at what the fuck i implyed/allowed
I realized that i compared myself and my certificate to her to subconcouisly put myslelf superior according to knowledge and this triggered a pretty extensive train of thought/emotions/memorys.
With reading my "older" forum-posts i realized that i still have not acctually looked at and opend up the knowledge-point in its facettes and that this Point is comming up quite prominent at the moment

Writing 06092011

In the morning with getting up i experianced thoughts about my parents already waiting and talking if i am still in bed or have fallen aslep again. When i then get downstairs its always quite the same of my mother greating me "happily" and already preparing the coffemaker which i react to with thought of "Always the same" and the feeling of being controlled and having to act in a certain way to be "friendly and polite" when i do not want to speak at all in the mornings - an experiance of anxiety comes up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about if my parents talk about me or if i still lying in bed in the mornings after awaking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts immedeatly after awaking instead of allowing myself to wake up as the moment in/as the breath as who i really am each day every day
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an experiance of rejection and resistence toward my parents in the mornings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel controled by them waking me up, instead of realizing that i am controled by my mind as my past participation and i am responsible for what i allow within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the situation of my mother greeting me in the mornings and wanting to prepare the coffe(mashine)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the situation of drinking coffe in the kitchen by thinking " always the same", instead of stopping immediatly or doing/acting in another way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect an angry feeling and a feeling of being controled to the situations of standing up in the mornings/drinking coffe in the kitchen
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i have to act polite and friendly in the morning
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive that this experiance of anxiety within me is real and that i have allowed myself to blame my enviroment/situation for it, instead of taking self-responibility for myself and my experiance by stopping

I experianced slight jealousy or the thought "with others my father is much friendlier" as we arrived at work and he spoke and joked with another male being jounger than me. I compared myself to him and thought that my father respects him because he has a good job, car etc. they can talk about car etc. even thoughts like he "would like a son more than him"
After work i meet this being shortly and experianced infeariority within myself
Ok, this is the point of still wanting to show my father what i can or wanting to be approved by him
Basicly jugding myself as what i am in the system=what i have acvieved/become
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel infearior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel not good enough
I forgive myself for acceping and allowing myself to feel infearior to/towards beings with a stable income/work and a certain status in the system
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to jugde myself according to who i am in the system, my status or achievements
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous when my parents praticipate with other beings based on comparison, because i am actually fear losing support..

 In my break today had an interesting experiance that ties in with the point that came up was self-defeat/giving up on self  giving up on live also related to alcohol

Writing 05092011

Ok, today i woke and got up on time then again  created a situation where i had to hurry to get the train to work.
I actually wanted to write "stress" and that brings me to another "big" - at moment - point that is playing out for basicly the wohle time i am at work again. I work with a female being that i would strongly react to based on past participiation but this is not "all". Basicly the actual patterns is: The being expresses that she has this and that to do, so much work, creates and expresses possible scenarios of what may happen or we at work will have to to and then plans how to "manage" them often based on speculation:" I have heard that possibly we have to work night-shifts then -... needs the product" or she gets/is involved highly emotional with the work and expresses "anger" very often.
So in the first time i reacted to her in a "calming/caring/understanding" way as "past-participiation" relived, but i also saw that i get Ego out of that and my backchat was:
I have to help/support her because she is constantly stressed/angry
Her behaviour of creating stress is unefficent
She wants to be importent/noticed
This is self-created to define her ego as important
She fears losing control / her job

Also there was my behaviour of unceartainty and asking for lots of things and even letting explain things again feeling infearior when being explained something. I realized that this is lot of definitions from the past that i created myself by putting myself in this role of "being directed/infearior/victim" and in this "So i have not to allow this - i have to expand - participate to my ability and take resposebility for what is here in the moment/place" - I also had the tought "I have to be careful to not go into the opposite of participiation in Ego - Not to stand up as Ego" But we are as Egos in a world of Egos and in this created some Power-games or playouts as for example. I would direct a task on the phone, with our "boss" also present, that call i would normaly given to her "She knows what to do/She should decide" but decided to do it, because i was on the phone and "why not, i also know what to do?". As our boss walked out she says "we rather should do it so and so"- which would be a little bit different, without actual effect, and phones back

Ok, so realized that i am also paricipating in Ego and that i do not really want and need to because it is not really what is best for all as it creates friction and tension and decided to "cut back" in a way - I noticed that i tend to want to take all over and then have it my way - So on Friday i was then quite possed by Ego.

The point why i react that much to her opend up from the judgment of "Creating stress/lots stuff in the mind to feel important" as i do exactly the same "Creating lots of points in my mind that "I" then "have to/can/must" sort out" instead of walking here in/as BREATH AS SIMPLICITY

One point as a memory i write out tomorrow came up from: Why do i go into separation when anger is experessed in my enviroment?

Writing 04092011

Since the last entry here i have not been writing as such, only for the DIP-assignement and the reason is quite clear: I do not want to face myself
I realize how beneficial writing in the evenig and had often thoughts "I should write about this" and this and this ... but did not actually live my words as thoughts: So as the first thing today:

I commit myself to "21 days of Writing" here on the blog to establish stability in self-expression as writing and relationship with self 

One of the points i did/do not want to face is procrastination and especially the assignment, which i wanted to finish till 25.08.-exactly the day i stopped writing- Ok, i had the same or similar point last month and in general with learning/studing: I simply procrastinate work and/or do only what i want/like to do and start with the work i "have to do" late creating tension, feeling of obligation/have to do - this is not beneficial - I then have the "point"/what i have to do constantly on my mind - creating separtion - when i am then applying myself/study, for example in the assignment, i experiance (feelings/emotions) the point of "I have to get this done" which originates from thoughts " I have to get this done by then (date)" whitout application = Backdoor or permission to not participate right now - ...by then (date) seems far away

So i have created a pattern with the DIP where i would do half a month or so "only reading"/taking in = what i like/enjoy and then slowly start practical application first with lots of breaks or only short lenght of time then hurry to "get it done"
This pattern has a lot of disatvantages for example "less time" to integrate and live the realization that comes with practical application and actually i do the opposite of "stopping the mind" in creating unnessecary self- judgment, self-defeat, stress, anger/frustration etc.- that i do not even see ... or I deny -  and then blame my enviroment for. This whole pattern is a POLARITY.     

The correction is to consistantly apply practically myself in whatever it is i want to do - continiously from the BEGINNNG TILL IT IS DONE

Another point that is quite clear - and is connected - is that i blame my enviroment or/and the situation for not being supportive to do this:

My reactions with/in relation to parents (self-allowed) -> creating points "to work on" in the mind to further stuff myself up -> preoccupation
---there i allow really stupid stuff like sitting in the livingroom with them while writing/studing material, which is
     not supportive to self-investigate (TV, Speaking) but think i have to do this to "stopp my reactions in          this situations" thinking if i avoid them if go in another room-> It is simply common sense to learn/study/apply  where it supports me

Working 8 hours or so is "new" in the context of "process" so i noticed justifications like "Yeah, i have to work now and this is the cause", when it is not...- I also applied the same pattern last month!