Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Writing 20092011

Ok, at the moment or since i work again at my old workplace i experiance strong reactions towards the work the beings. With everyone there is a different point of jugdments or backchat and some of them.
So i will beginn with the workplace:
The work was opportunity for me to "get on my own" feet move out from my parents. My dad works in the same company and we often drove there in the same car, he fetched me at my flat where he somtimes/often had to wait. I was quite well performing in the beginnings and - as i firstly only had a practikum there but was then asked if i want to do an apprenticeship "because i was well performing"- Ok, so in the beginnings this all went quite cool i still had a car and a driverslicence and was smoking lot of pot the whole time  and experimenting with other drugs as well which was als one of the reasons why i wanted to move out at home as there were more and more conflicts and fears - and i mean i was abusing myself and my parents trough still living there with 21 years basicly doing nothing but taking drugs- so i did not take long then i lost my driverlicence which was one first point of "hiding" because i did for a long time not keep this secret obviously because "the loss" was drug-related and the point of "what will the others think of me" propably on some level also about my father then...but mostly because of myself. I enjoed working there and it had this point of an "regulated" and "normal" live. I had the feeling there of being liked and "save/cared for"-Basicly i was participating/creating in personality-. Ok, my private life went the "other way" which was also supported through the rhytmus of working and the believe/behaviour that i have to/can allow myself to satisfy myself when having free-time. As said, pot everyday after work as the first thing i would do. On the weekends i would drink or/and take drugs with friends or alone and/or go clubbing somewhere. Whit working i started to dring coffee and at this time it acctually had quite an effect on my, and soon i would drink energy-drink after work, as i would be "tired" from working, and quite fast i lived such an circle of functioning as personality in work and "live life" in the spare time. "Live life" would basicly always involve drugs and "illegal actions" all of which i had to hide at work as it is/was not accepted in society.
 So i created a lot of "guilty consciense" about myself basicly. Back then i found it cool to seperate myself and used this Knowledge as a point superiorty - more tomorrow

Ahh ja, sugar cravings i had a little, one or two today but i have also eaten some sweetend crannberies so the actual commitment starts today/now! 

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