Writing 06092011

In the morning with getting up i experianced thoughts about my parents already waiting and talking if i am still in bed or have fallen aslep again. When i then get downstairs its always quite the same of my mother greating me "happily" and already preparing the coffemaker which i react to with thought of "Always the same" and the feeling of being controlled and having to act in a certain way to be "friendly and polite" when i do not want to speak at all in the mornings - an experiance of anxiety comes up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about if my parents talk about me or if i still lying in bed in the mornings after awaking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts immedeatly after awaking instead of allowing myself to wake up as the moment in/as the breath as who i really am each day every day
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an experiance of rejection and resistence toward my parents in the mornings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel controled by them waking me up, instead of realizing that i am controled by my mind as my past participation and i am responsible for what i allow within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the situation of my mother greeting me in the mornings and wanting to prepare the coffe(mashine)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the situation of drinking coffe in the kitchen by thinking " always the same", instead of stopping immediatly or doing/acting in another way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect an angry feeling and a feeling of being controled to the situations of standing up in the mornings/drinking coffe in the kitchen
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i have to act polite and friendly in the morning
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive that this experiance of anxiety within me is real and that i have allowed myself to blame my enviroment/situation for it, instead of taking self-responibility for myself and my experiance by stopping

I experianced slight jealousy or the thought "with others my father is much friendlier" as we arrived at work and he spoke and joked with another male being jounger than me. I compared myself to him and thought that my father respects him because he has a good job, car etc. they can talk about car etc. even thoughts like he "would like a son more than him"
After work i meet this being shortly and experianced infeariority within myself
Ok, this is the point of still wanting to show my father what i can or wanting to be approved by him
Basicly jugding myself as what i am in the system=what i have acvieved/become
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel infearior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel not good enough
I forgive myself for acceping and allowing myself to feel infearior to/towards beings with a stable income/work and a certain status in the system
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to jugde myself according to who i am in the system, my status or achievements
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous when my parents praticipate with other beings based on comparison, because i am actually fear losing support..

 In my break today had an interesting experiance that ties in with the point that came up was self-defeat/giving up on self  giving up on live also related to alcohol