Writing 24092011

As i checked my gmx-accout today i found a message titled "hey, need help?" under the adress of the intro-forums. My first impression was that "hm, that`s weird, nobody within desteni sayed wrote/communicated in way with u - its not the way self is supported here..." but then also a thought came up "Maybe "they" have seen what i do as "not sufficient/not good enough"
So i rather was intrigued by the apparetly autentic email and kind of "trusting/curious" opening and reading further were i found something about who this mail was sent via an blablablabla accout of a member of desteni and the forums and that if i find the content abusive or offending than i shall send it to the bordmoderator

The there was the question of "Do you know its a cult" and lots of pictures. I was still in this curiousity/excitement-mode and opend one of the where i was suprised with a male presenting his asshole pulled open by his own fingers/hands so taht u can actually see the rectum from the inside...

What a site as the first thing in the mornings...so i know this specific picture and it is/was gladly used to "shock" others like "Wow, look at this u have never seen such a fucking thing in your live - UUUUAAUAHA WWAAAHHH" but never i reacted in a way that i percieved it as an energetic push in the solar-plexus.

and experianced it as offense and attack angainst me - this lasted not long or strong but was noticable, i stoped myself from going into hating back or being angry but it clearly activated the mind and specificly the doubts = self-doubts i have accepted and allowed in the beginning of finding desteni and also the fear of being controled and directed, which is the fucking fear that "these haters have" so, cool taht this brought it up again to see that i bit of a hater is still existent wihtin me...

This played then out in thoughs of "Maybe this is really from Bernard/Desteni, to test me, specificly because i have to stand this test of not reactin to such pictures/If i react to such pictures and an "percieved attack" on my ego i am surely not "good enough" to stand as life" - So watched this reactions i my mind and it was interessting to let them play out etc. later is realized that in this "percieved test/exam imposed from outside" is again my own judgments of how i believe i have to be in walking process

Also looking at the "design" of the message:

First the trust is created through imitating -or however this shit works- the email

Then interesst is sparked and care simulated "hey need help?" to open one up

Next you read the fake-account that has the name of a real being in it

So now u are courios and open and then there comes the punch of 

a photo that you would not expect...

And one starts to wonder "why, ahh, what have i done...who does want what"

SO, here the solution for myself:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge haters and abusers in this judging myself, instead of forgiving myself as a hater and abuser till i do not react any longer – but only see with clarity

And some Self-forgiveness for the hater in me:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through hate and myself as others through hating them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge haters and abusers in this judging myself, instead of forgiving myself as a hater and abuser till i do not react any longer – but only see with clarity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present others with abuse, which is always only self-abuse, to have them react and in this feel strong and powerful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to built and strengthen my Ego through the reactions of shock, fear, embarrassment and rejection in others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately fuck with, abuse, deceive others to get a sense of power, control and satisfaction – because I hate myself as who I am and what I have allowed myself to be as hater and abuser –as the only way to feel worthy at all

I forgive that I have not allowed myself to accept myself as who I am as the breath as the moment as me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a hater

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an abuser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create hate within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct this hate within myself to various manifestations outside of myself in the believe that “I hate them/this” instead of realizing that “I hate” = “I am hate” = “hate is existent within me”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with myself and hate myself for not standing up from this hatred and anger within me – not realizing that I only further compound this system within myself if I accept and allow myself to exert/express anger/hatred onto others or myself in thought word and deed - I have to forgive myself!