Writing 21092011

Ok, today with not eating sugar i experianced some cravings in the form of short and not very pronounced desire like "Ah, now i would like to eat some sweet stuff" especially after dinner where i would sit with my parents or now in the late evenings as i have created this point of "eating sweets/choclate alone, when nobody would see it and confront me with it" Its also apoint of "hiding what i do/want" and i acctuly got out some satisfaction from this - especially when i was younger and not allowed to eat as much sweets as i want i would go to a shop, buy some and go to a friend and eat it - a feeling of i do something forbidden - and in and through this experiance a sense of freedom and independence - also a point of rebelling. In the next cycle, as a adult i would change sweets for drugs and feel independet and rebelling - like i do not take shit and rules from anyone - through consume again hiding which brings me to the topic of yesterday - cool -

to continue with the time i started to work my forerunner in this position had still 1 jear or sth. finish and we go along quite well at work but but had many things "in common" He was interessted in football and his father was a police-officer both of which i judged as "uncool" so this were points of backchat - i wanted to write that the "normal" Comparison and competion that is existent within me in relation to males was not there as he posed no threat and he was "uncool", the relating went calmly - looking at it again this points of competion and comparison/judgement/jealousy where existent yet in/as Backchat - Within myself - and also the point of perfomance in school/exames was a point of competion only not realized.

I started to work with one guy i already wrote about from which i have "learned" some of the critical-thinking relating to the job and also the first impressions that "Not everything is reliable here/Lots of not so perfect solutions and also that solutions are not always accepted and applied" as he had for example a simple method to circumvent inproper/inaccuraty analytical-results - which could save time and stress - but this was not applied regularely. He also had some problems which our female beings at work.
The point for me here to look at and take on in selfforgiveness is the "Tendency to identifiy myself with him/Believe i play his role in some way" - again comparison, to gain something, he was a "clever head" rational and logic thinking and also not caring what others say in a way - so cool points to start