Sunday, September 25, 2011

Writing 25092011

So as i have resistance to write this point i will: I have stoped masturbation for 3weeks now, and it was quite easy i simply stopped. In this time i had some desires come up rather in relation to females in my world than for masturbation - what i noticed is that if i allow a sexual desire to "posses" me or give into the feeling, because it feels nice, i am "it" and this makes no difference between beings - i am possed by this energy- so i had a few of these allways triggered by an sexual imagination, which is obviously a consequence of creating sexual imagination, porn and masturbation in the past, and this is very "tricky" for me not to get caught, jet when i look at it the reactions are more or less created in a similar way.
I find a female attractive - experiance desire/attraction - judge and suppress desire/thougts - (this happens quite fast and for different "reasons" ->investigate!)- a other being says something to me that i interpret sexually/or is sexually -imagination ->  reaction as emotion/laughting (hiding in this actually accepting) -> possesion by desire
So, however yesterday i had a dream while waking in the mornings of lying with my "Ex" in bed - the bed i lay in with her - and cuddling observing beings specific "nature/essence" -lol- this then developed into sexual activity and i awoke quite aroused - this was the first time since stopping
Today i had also a dream of sexual content of a male fucking with females - and me then not fucking also a female but the male - so i interpreted this in various ways,either option for the mind to switch from femalepictures or competition or sth - and acctually getting an orgasm while sleeping
This - getting an orgasm while sleeping - happend to me as i was stopping masturbation before.
What i also want to note is that i each of the days sleeped about 9 hours in contrast to normaly 5-6
It shows me that in mind there is sexual-desire existend and also the imaginary and that i apparently have not solved this point but suppressed it pretty much ->obviously this is no self-directive action as sleep=mindcontrol
So i tend to jugde this point - and also reacted to the malefantasie - but i also have created a kind of validation for it as "I can not do anything i am asleep in this moments" and "Maybe my body needs to get rid of the shit..." but i have created this shit trough supression so i have to be honest with myself and sort out this Desire-point at its core

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