Sunday, September 18, 2011

Writing 18092011

Today about an hour ago i faced a backchat-personality-manifestation in the relation to my parents: They were in "church" today and i was at home doing stuff at the pc. As they came home i keept doing what i was doing, interesstingly i was hearing some old stuff/music (thunderdome) that i related to a angry/rebellious phase in my teens - the point with this music is that found i cool based on a friend that i had that i percieved as very indepentdent from his parents, free, doing what he wants, was into drugs and also the circle of friends already having trouble with police, so i found that quite cool as it repesented a polarity point to my percieved suppressed and infearior existence, i feeled "honored" and "good/worthy" to be accepted and liked by those "cool" guyes and happy as this friend told my that "You are a cool person" So for me this music represents intensity, power, energy,  but also specialness - so as they moved around a bit more here the thoughts/push to say something to them came up but i did not act on it and but i had backchat about them thinking about me and them being loaded with energy from worshiping(praying/singing) in church - I actually do not even know if/or what they do there, but asked my mother today about it, have do this a few times now, and comunication actually helps to clear up some points of (self-)judgement. I did not often go there (communication) because of judgement :-) Communication helps to see and stop judgement, who had thougt this? :-) - while sitting on the pc i was more and more feeling supressed/unconfortable and some kind of anxious energy possesing me.
I related the experinace to my parents, yet i see its myself and only my mind blaming. so i stabilise myself and go to have food with them were i keept quiet/step back and stabilize myself and have to push myself a bit to participate with them.
While washing dishes with my mom i start to ask her what they have do at "church" and she shares what they do and asks if/that i also what to come to them sometime. And i say "No, because this would only strengthen my personality as i would either have to lie or to say to the other people "NO, NO,NO" the whole time/Only if i am stable enough to not react can this benficial as a test for myself"
This exact playout cycled often and we had bit of discussion, till my father came and said that some preacher in TV spoke something about forgiveness - because we have also sometime scratched the topic- and i watched 3 sentences and was ready to go of on the topic, how there is only self-forgiveness and self-judgement etc. and the whole cristianity is based on care for others=deception.
In this i was "already" participating in energy and unsatisfied because they did not further discuss with me, so i went to my father in the livingroom and sat down and said that i shy away from confronting the point of their believes openly because i do not want to "upset" them and that the source is the they support me finacially and that i "fear of losing that support". So we discussed the point of god and religion/believe and i pointed out firstly that i percieve i would do this with every being in my reality but could see that this be different "because of our history"= emotions/energy/personality. Points that came up for me was the:
Feeling guilty/responsible for them
Wanting to help/save parents, because of feeling guilty / Wanting others to walk process- stop lies- apply tools
The money-point

But my father assisted me quite a bit by asking more times why i so persistently want to "push" them to accept my believes/perceptions and also something we spoke about before: That god is a point to abdicate self-responsibility, self-denial and in the accetpence of god one accepts something greater, separate from self that one believes to need to support and help oneself

After stepping away for a moment and while listening to a interview of sunette I saw that " Fuck i am doing exactly the same - I still accept myself to feel dependent on my parents and exist in the believe that i "need" them and the i owe them something for supporting me"
What i then do in this playouts is to participate in Ego to cover up my inferiority and feel superior/independent/free through knowledge
Actually i am not one iota better/worse then them, as i am participating in same mind-system if i accept such patterns of Ego/personality to play out. This pattern is not new and i am "quite aware how and why" i have created and accumulated the thought-energy. This is unacceptable! TILL HERE AND NO FURTHER i will no longer exept and allow myself to play this pattern out over and over again. I investigate myself forgive the relevant points and stop myself!

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