Saturday, September 10, 2011

Writing 10092011

Today i was on the "Untersberg" with one of my Co-workers. It started about a week ago where i said at work that i want to visit this mountain in the next time and he said if we go there together an i said "Yes, we can do that or make a crossing or sleep on it" but did not really expect that he would come back to it and as he did yesterday i was suprised. I had some Ego-point with him an some Backchat and judgemts about him that i have not completly stopped yet. Obviosly it are mostly points that i have/had within myself. Some points of comparism and competition mostly not spoken. Mostly i would judge him for "presenting a deceptive/friendly personality at work compromising himself, supressing selfhate" Exactly what i do -fuck

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge M as presenting a deceptive friendly personaliy at work and to his boss, compromising himself and supressing Self-hate
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for presenting a deceptive friendly personality at work and to my boss instead of simply standing as being who i am in/as the realisation of myself that i do not have to use deceptive frendlieness to hide behind and to be accepted and liked - i am accept myself as who i am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself judge myself as compromising myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself  through particiation in the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress hate instead of relasing it through forgiveness in the moment
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself, and supress and accomulate this hatred within myself, for compromising myself as who i really am by presenting a deceptive personality-presentation of friendliness and happiness at work towards my collegues and my chef
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that i have to compromise myself at work
I forgive myself for accetping and allowing myself to make myself belive i am compromising myself when i am not
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe i have present a deceptive personality-presentation of friendliness at work or to my chef
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that i have judged friendliness as always "fake"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge participation in/as personality as wrong/fake/unaccepable instead of seeing and accepting that in this world at the moment everybody plays out personalitys

As he asked me yesterday i said "yes" quite fast from the point of not wanting to "disapoint" him and my Ego-point of "i said a will do this" but i did not realy want to and this was simple not a self-directed decision but my mind not wanting to lose. I "guess" with him it was the same as he was then asking around, wanting others to come with us but did not find anyone. I made than up in my mind the point of going with him to "help him to get out on the weekend and support him with this" as a reason to go: At least it is good for him....I realized this Point because i feeled not quite right with my descision and did SF on it. Jet this whole poin/contruct played out today also from his side because the first point was the SELF-COMPROMISE to HOLD UP a EGO-POINT=SELFINTEREST

What was very interesting also was that i tryed to figure it out, was caught in the mind, angry, blame etc. until the moment we where down from the mountain - It dropped immediatly and i was silent  

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