Writing 09092011

NOT WANTING ANYTHING

This is a point or con-clusion i have made and tried to fullfill basicly the last ten years. I came to this con-clusion after a experiance with mushrooms and in the weeks after it where i - from my perspective now - became aware of my mind. I experianced in this way: I "knew" immediatly what other people "want from me", where is their self-interrest and after a while i realized that i do the same and this was basicly a nightmare because nothing is real - nothing is what it seems to be and everything is only Ego and Personalities directing, speaking and acting to get what it wants. For me this "Wanting" was the primary point and i "realized" that i have to stopp wanting

So i "stopped wanting" with smoking pot and lots of judgment because my starting-point was the fear of this experiance - you are allone and everybody wants something from you - to make it go away. Of course i did not stop anything but only supress the "whole shit"
What i did not consider is that in this i created the ultimative trap for myself because what can u do if u do not want to do something? So everything i did i judged and so many things i did not even do or consider doing because i judged it or myself for.

Manifesting the Ego-self-belive "I do not need or want anything"
   
Wow, i have really made it hard for myself... but the good thing is this personaliy is basicly hanging itself because it simply runs out - It`s complete self-dishonesty because not realisable, we are here interdependent in co-existence and i am not a singular separated being that does not need anything.
It is very limiting/exhausting and unpractial to live in such a LIE because as i want to do something for example working to get money - there is my subconsciously my judgments and hate and spite "Haha you are working, you want and need money, u are participating in the system - what you have wanted not to do anymore"

In this i realized that this was/is one major POINT wihtin myself because this is/was manifesting the constant and ulimative self-defeat as i can simply not stopp wanting or desiring - as

LIFE is DESIRE is WANTING to LIVE 

So its not to judge, deny, supress Desire or Wanting but to DIRECT MYSELF AS DESIRE to apply myself as who i am to do what is best vor all