Thursday, September 22, 2011

Writing 22092011

Ok, so today i changed my living situation again - only for the weekend - and it was quite interresting to see, that i actually experianced specific train of thought that i would connect to this eara, ok that was not that suprising, the thing i did not expect was that i faced some fearful thought, basicly self-doubts, about living alone again after the two month with the parents, specificly in relation to not working and self-application. If i am able to push application more or hold in on this level, fears of doubts about if i will be lazyer again and procrastionate more if i have more "free-time" -which is obviously a ponit of self-honesty- but i simply realize TAHT I AM NOT MY PAST AND I WILL NOT GO BACK- so the point with this is that i wrote more in the last time - also here on the blog also with the commitment-  obviously because i had more extreme situations/reactions as Familiy/Work and the Beginning with the Fall - so i kind of developted the believe that i need this stimulus to get directive which is bullshit and no real self-direction, so cool to be aware of the point and correct it now in the moment in applying myself consistently-Keep the blogging up! And also when i move here in 3weeks.
Its the point of really taking once and for all self-direction as in this behaviours and thought i see that i still believe that i want to relie on systems as mom and dad within me to direct me -
This is also very interessting because with myparents i would blame the enviroment/situation for making me angry/supressing me and fear that bullshit and now when i am "free" with myself again i fear being lazy and undirective - So we have a polarity going ...

The solution is Simple: Applying myself - find the time - reagardless of the situation/enviroment for myself as myself consitently in the realization that process is not coincidently but a self-creation

The sugar-point was noticable as a percieved calmness, but i had also a lot of yawning today - while traveling to munich had the tought "i would want something to eat" - but what ? - and then i had like really "from behind" coming up this Image of a choco-bar like mars or sth. in a way that i did just wanted to go with the imagination/desire but than noticed it "Fuck, no!" and "caught it" -lol- Ok so now with being alone and watching tv i have also short thought/desire flashing up.
I am tired and to to bed

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