Monday, September 5, 2011

Writing 05092011

Ok, today i woke and got up on time then again  created a situation where i had to hurry to get the train to work.
I actually wanted to write "stress" and that brings me to another "big" - at moment - point that is playing out for basicly the wohle time i am at work again. I work with a female being that i would strongly react to based on past participiation but this is not "all". Basicly the actual patterns is: The being expresses that she has this and that to do, so much work, creates and expresses possible scenarios of what may happen or we at work will have to to and then plans how to "manage" them often based on speculation:" I have heard that possibly we have to work night-shifts then -... needs the product" or she gets/is involved highly emotional with the work and expresses "anger" very often.
So in the first time i reacted to her in a "calming/caring/understanding" way as "past-participiation" relived, but i also saw that i get Ego out of that and my backchat was:
I have to help/support her because she is constantly stressed/angry
Her behaviour of creating stress is unefficent
She wants to be importent/noticed
This is self-created to define her ego as important
She fears losing control / her job

Also there was my behaviour of unceartainty and asking for lots of things and even letting explain things again feeling infearior when being explained something. I realized that this is lot of definitions from the past that i created myself by putting myself in this role of "being directed/infearior/victim" and in this "So i have not to allow this - i have to expand - participate to my ability and take resposebility for what is here in the moment/place" - I also had the tought "I have to be careful to not go into the opposite of participiation in Ego - Not to stand up as Ego" But we are as Egos in a world of Egos and in this created some Power-games or playouts as for example. I would direct a task on the phone, with our "boss" also present, that call i would normaly given to her "She knows what to do/She should decide" but decided to do it, because i was on the phone and "why not, i also know what to do?". As our boss walked out she says "we rather should do it so and so"- which would be a little bit different, without actual effect, and phones back

Ok, so realized that i am also paricipating in Ego and that i do not really want and need to because it is not really what is best for all as it creates friction and tension and decided to "cut back" in a way - I noticed that i tend to want to take all over and then have it my way - So on Friday i was then quite possed by Ego.

The point why i react that much to her opend up from the judgment of "Creating stress/lots stuff in the mind to feel important" as i do exactly the same "Creating lots of points in my mind that "I" then "have to/can/must" sort out" instead of walking here in/as BREATH AS SIMPLICITY

One point as a memory i write out tomorrow came up from: Why do i go into separation when anger is experessed in my enviroment?

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